Two days ago, I timed the sun down at 9:12 pm EST as I sat on the sands of TOBAY. I made another resolution to stick to my promise of letting go of my ex’s family (I almost had it this past winter). It’s silly and unfair to whoever I’m permanently replaced with because it’s going to be hard, initially, to get out of my shadow. I don’t want her journey to begin the way mine did: with extreme prejudice and coldness. I described myself as pathetic, a few months back, when I explained how I was making things easier for my ex’s new gf and my ex’s family to transition from me to her. Only recently, I realize how it was never weakness: my pragmatism, in light of the sum that Beck was to me and had done, is more of a “light-chuck” to my chin/keep your head up reminder than pitiful action. Being that pragmatic speaks of my strengths, generosities and greater ability to forgive/march forward.
Without it, I would have turned the way I was treated into a diamond hard shield that my ex’s parents, brothers and extended family had no hope of penetrating later on. I would have had every right to stay angry that his brothers thought I was a whore and influenced his parents to believe the same. I didn’t have to be generous with my time, my family’s business and I didn’t have to be gracious in the face of their pretenses. But I wasn’t built that way and my parents did raise me to be a petty, angry and jealous person. I decided that my relationship with MD, PS and his brothers + their girlfriends would be on my terms, my choice of civility. I resolved to remain true to myself and values and the only decision I would extend to anyone would be to walk beside me or behind. I follow no one.
The ability to confront the affront to my relationship with Beck came from my relationship with Chris. His parents resented me because they felt he should have stayed with their friends’ child, Kelly, who happened to graduate with me and Bobby. But Kelly wasn’t maturing and Chris tired of her silence and childishness. Chris’ parents thought I was the one in the way when it wasn’t the case. When I cheated on and reconciled later with Chris, it was like meeting his family all over again. They wanted to know why he would take back a cheater and later, my friends would question why I would take back my abuser. The answer was always clear to me: relationships shift, they change, the straight path follows a different course mid-way into the journey and the people on them cannot remain the same. Who wants to be close to someone who cannot mature beyond age 29 and the destruction that “29 years old” person may invoke to keep their reality stable as people get married, have children, become professionals in their careers and eventually, retirees? It’s insane to stand against the current and refuse to move beyond all stages of life. It’s also insane to give an explanation to everyone who feels entitled to one, no matter how personal/private a decision. I don’t care if you don’t like my choice; I only care if you can let me live with it whilst I let you live with yours.
Friends are supposed to be the life support you get to choose. Mine, thankfully, have always stepped back once I made it clear what choice I was taking. Family is the one you cannot choose but God willing, mercifully, they will step back once you, too, have made your decision clear. Life is already hard: the people you love aren’t supposed to make it harder for you!
Ergo, I will need your support, my friend, if I am to succeed at staying away from my Albanian halves. I’ll need you to tell me to look forward, to continue without waiting. To be open to the chance, the option of loving someone who deserves me and who I deserve in return: even if it’s not my Beck. A phrase I used to repeat was the whole “too little, too late” in reference to apologies. I don’t think it’s ever too late to apologize but I do believe it can be too little when the apology means nothing to the other party, you know? Some hurts can heal with the greater love of another ❤
I’ll cherish the good memories and keep the bad ones only as lessons learned 😉