As promised, I am sharing the remainder of my experience with and analysis of the TX softboy (yes, there was more than one for me, but I was able to spot the second one almost immediately. A side note: I included the things some of my girl friends went through for a more complete picture of the softboy. Aren’t, I generous? 😉 ).
I left off the last post at 2,000+ words because *I* can’t stand scrolling wall of text after wall of text (especially, when I have more editing to do after posting an entry). You can go check it out or you can take me at my word that the Texan and I were getting into the nitty gritty of his actions/words. This is still a bit tough to type up; it bubbles the residual anger I tamped down.
Me: Did you think I needed to be kicked when I was already down from my break-up?
TX (with a surly look): That’s not what I was doing! I thought I was helping you and just getting some benefits for myself…
Me (starting to get angry): Your last statement sums you up best. You’re a selfish asshole who deludes himself into thinking he’s better than “asshole players:” your words, not mine.
TX (won’t meet my gaze): I am not that kind of asshole! I didn’t break you and your “husband” up, that was someone else-
Me: Not entirely-
TX: Semantics don’t apply to whatever fucked up things your relationship crashed into. The point I’m making is that I was just there for the aftermath. I’m not the cause so you shouldn’t be angry with me!
Me: Dude, you’re on an entirely different discussion. I’m not holding you responsible for my broken relationship. I’m trying to get you to realize your part in prolonging my confusion, my pain.
TX (just keeps pouring himself glass after glass of red wine): Didn’t we have fun?
Me: Didn’t you intend on me to remain ignorant of your true intentions? You came on to me with the line, “I’ve been single for too long and I’m at the point in my life where I want to settle down with someone. I’m tired of being alone?”
TX: That’s true-
Me: Except when I asked you on our second date if you knew exactly what you want in a wife, you claimed you didn’t know. Even now, you claim you don’t know but if I bring up certain attributes, you somehow know those aren’t what you want. Which is it? You do or don’t know?
The cowboy sits there making a face and lapses into another of his silences that’s supposed to stop every conversation that strays from casual chit chat or sexual innuendo; in essence, he’s tried to stay away from all in-depth conversations that involve emotional and mental analysis which will not further his agenda. My girl friends noticed this pattern to with almost all of the softboys they encountered. It’s a cold stop in banter or conversation if the soft ‘feels’ they’re getting “too serious.” But I’m not letting the Texan get away this time and every time we get together when I finally figured out his game.
Me: You have nieces you obviously adore: how do you not have empathy for their future should they encounter a guy like you? Do you not understand the harm you inflict or do you simply work hard at it in order to deny you have the same modus operandi of any player out there? Only you’re worse because you enjoy playing the role of boyfriend without having to deal with the real ramifications every genuine relationship will come across!
TX: You really see me that way? B/c I don’t-
Me: Fuck yes!
TX: How do I prove to you that I’m not like that?
Me: What would be the point? I don’t want you as a boyfriend. I don’t want anything to do with you beyond being acquaintances so, you have nothing to prove to me.
TX (putting on his Southern charm): C’mon! Give me a second chance, please?
Me: For what? There’s no point in either of us wasting our time and energies.
TX: Because I still like hanging out with you.
(here, he puts his hands in his pants and takes out his junk. I’m so done with his high school/college antics. Am I supposed to switch from an adult conversation into a sexualized item simply because his genitals are “hanging out?!”)
Me (grabbing my things): I’m leaving.
TX (surprised and visibly upset): No! Why? Can’t you just stay?
Me: No, you’re not getting it. I won’t give up my dignity because you want it that way.
TX: What’s wrong? What can I do to make you stay?
Me: You don’t see how awkward this is? You’re stroking yourself in view of the fact that I’m clearly not interested and you don’t understand why I’m leaving?
I treasured the look on his face as I left: he didn’t see me seeing through him and his games. He bragged about his ability to see “crazy women” and not becoming involved with them when we first met up. Though, he did admit he was in a relationship with three crazy types and he didn’t understand why he attracted them in the first place. He thought himself so grounded and managed to hide his drug use for 10 weeks. He ranted about an ex being an addict yet, he still indulged in a “bump” or a “line” should his friends have any (his friends always had some). I hate sanctimonious hypocrites; the Texan made me feel like I was a fucked up addict when I openly told him about the morphine I was titrating down and out with my doctor’s consent during our second date. What an asshole! I understand hypocrisy comes in many forms, at different stages in our lives, but I would never hold my faults over the head of another with the same as if I was better for better’s sake!
How anyone with a dearly loved sister, cousin, niece, daughter, etc. can act the way the softboy does towards women is asking for trouble! Growing up with a baker’s dozen of male cousins made me aware that women can be assholes, too. Helping my brother, C, with his relationships (some with girl friends I had to drop once they broke up because she was a whore/bitch throughout their time together) shaped me, in some ways, as the best partner I am/should be. I didn’t make the classic mistakes of starting a fight to get attention or in order to settle the score on some completely unrelated topic. I have never led someone on if I knew there was no relationship in the cards for us. I learned that hooking up with someone while my first long-term relationship was “on a break” was/is as disastrous as cheating when times are good! I know not to throw mean names or to say mean things for the sake of being cruel in the middle of an argument and to never go to sleep angry with one another. Above all else, I know to never break off a relationship as long as there is a silver lining and ability to fix a good one.
This isn’t done. My girl friends will want me to add some specific things that happened to them while they were tangled up with a softboy and I’ve spent 2 weeks trying to edit in their experience within the structure of mine; only to find that it’s not really possible and I’ll probably have them sum up things and post it here if they want. Being with a softboy is an emotional roller coaster without a pay-off at the end (unless a smaller bank account and greater anger/confusion counts). It really hurt me when I realized I let the Texan do to me what Beck did to me. The only difference is that Beck would be worth another try because he’s not as shallow enough to be the softboy type.
On to some happy news: I plan on going to Nashville, TN in August to catch the total solar eclipse – maybe I’ll find that love on the way/over there 😉 Wanna road trip with me (especially since SC will be in the path OR Colorado will get the full black out)?