Unconsciousness + celibacy = Lunacy

Four months without sexual contact means I get to reconnect with my body and to build a stronger fortress to house my sanity and heart. It also means my magnetism is dragging all sorts to me: I’ve been hiding but the men are finding me. During an estimate for landscape renovation, the architect stops to ask me if I’m single (b/c he has a 24 y/o son in a Caribbean med school who’s returning home for the summer) and after 20 questions, it turns out one of his favorite nephews went to school with me and lives only 3 blocks away! I randomly call a gutter company and though the company I settle on is five towns away, one of the owners (who I actually spoke with) has a first cousin who lives on the same exact block as I do, aargh! I make plans to leave my ex’s family behind and God laughs. I dream of Beck every friggin’ night for 10 days straight. They’re all potent and I wake to heartache, sometimes happiness. Night one, I’m speaking with the wife of one of “The Four Horsemen,” (as my ex referred to himself and his childhood friends) at my ex’s brother’s wedding while we look for her (C.) husband‘s cuff links. She’s saying, along the same lines as I said to my Aunt Linda when my Uncle Steve fucked up and began fucking someone else, that cheaters won’t be tolerated and I was staying in the hearts of them (wedding guests or they as a couple, I don’t know). Beck is yelling in my face that he doesn’t want me and wants me to leave him alone; ironically, it was he who sought me out at the wedding. Disappointment is evident on the faces of everyone.

Next dream, Beck is using science research to back up his need to explore other vaginas (i.e. the experiment showing that new toys or females introduced to a stable population very adept at getting through a maze, will re-invigorate said population) in the same instance he’s condemning science and people reliant upon the scientific method. The dream is a reminder of my ex’s mercurial attitude and his propensity to say one thing, while doing another. One of his brothers and his girlfriend enter our home, fighting. She’s angry because she read my journal (with the label PRIVATE on the front cover and cover leaf) entry where I released my dissatisfaction with how things were handled when she and his brother had a ‘break.’ Beck’s brother is defending me, after acknowledging the fucked up treatment I endured at his hands that spread to other family members, and I realize I’m dreaming snatches of my memories.

Third night, Beck and I are in Flushing where I’m cooking for him and the other horsemen plus a sibling. I’m making pasta and cheese sauce from scratch and I’ve perfected MD’s fried dough recipe (something I never actually achieved) plus her homemade yogurt. We’re all happy and eating. The guys play their games and I’m okay with staying half in the background and being a graceful hostess: meeting everyone’s needs with drink and food. Another memory I’m interacting with and it’s such a peaceful one 🙂 Everytime they got together and I was present, I didn’t get in their way. I never bothered or whined at Beck for attention and it very rarely grated on my nerves when they extended their get-togethers that would impose on whatever plans Beck and I made. He loves on me and I nuzzle him back. God damn, I love this man. I miss his scent, his nearness and keen mind when I wake. I’m not surprised to see evidence of tears.

(I have to pause here. The dreams did their damage: if I thought I could get away so easily with just declaring I was done with the circle of Beck’s life, I should’ve remembered God loves irony. I feel like I’m drowning because the parts of me that keep loving him and wanting him back are heavy fruits picked from the tree too soon. Even if he didn’t have a gf, I’d have to stay away: there’s no platonic ground waiting for us. I’ll be back to finish this like I did about softboys, I promise 😉 Incidentally, the two posts have drawn many states, countries and languages to my site. I’m not the first to write of them and I’m slightly puzzled on why my post? Don’t get me wrong: I’m happy for the new company but I have to remain ever vigil now, to keep identities anonymous who want it that way).

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