I’d like a break, God, please?

Update- My bank discovered the location from which my credit cards were used to steal the initial $250: the friggin’ European Union! I have no relations in the region nor did I make any purchases for a product made overseas. I had to do some sleuthing of my own when I saw the “Overdraft Protection Transfer Fees” listed next to five dollars removed from my savings accounts when the first $250 went through and then another $270. The $10 isn’t a big deal if I had signed up for the OD Protection program which I willfully opted out when I opened my accounts. Do you see the unethical issue with my bank moving my money from account to account without my knowledge or permission? The thief (thieves?) would not have made off with so much if the checking account had went to zero and stayed there. I understand that a bank may offer to draw from one to cover the expense of another account when the difference in amount is under $50, which was not the case for me. Instead, my bank “replenished” the checking portion with the exact amount that was in there before the fraudulent charge, BOTH TIMES, and had the audacity to bill me for the “courtesy” with their ODP fees! Dude, absolutely not cool. The other fucked up part: none of the branch managers caught the $10 charge when they looked at my accounts and if they did, they said nothing to me. I had to make the calls to the bank before the money was returned and now, I simply have “provisional credit” (meaning they can withdraw it at any time if they deem the missing $500 was somehow legit) until their investigation is over!

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Five hundred dollars stolen from my checking account because the link between my savings and checking was never severed. Apparently, there are TWO kinds of Overdraft Protection. One allows the bank to charge anywhere from $2-$10 for EACH transaction made, after the balance has hit zero, regardless of total amount per purchase for which many big banks were fined for deceptive practices in enrolling each client (also, the one I deliberately opted out of when I opened my accounts). The second one allows money to be withdrawn from a savings account into checking to cover whatever negative balance has accrued UNLESS you, again, opt out of it *IF* you even know about it! Now, an investigation is being opened before I get the all clear from being a suspect in fraudulent activities in my OWN accounts! What the f–k!

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This sums up my emotional state

Tsum tsum, baby!

How can you not like little, chubby cuteness? Don’t be heartless, my friend 😉 I need something (one?) to cuddle up to… because I saw my ex’s mother yesterday. It was supposed to be the perfect time to tie off another relationship to Beck and a final Mother’s Day gift. Of course, all my careful planning went out the window (I tend to rush getting ready and in that running about, a detail or two will always fall through) with a package of photos. Then, three major accidents en route (two in the opposite direction but everyone enjoys rubbing necking on both sides >=o( ) and being late for the hair appointment I set up ($125 well worth the end result for the haircut and shine; we have to go back to tone down the red lowlights even though, over all, it makes her look younger). We stayed for two hours to gently strip the bad black dye job to make it accept the new colors. Afterwards, a fun, light dinner at a Korean place (I used up this month’s spicy consummation but *so* worth it!) and “dessert” at Starbucks. I also got to see Benji who, at 11 years old, has a white goatee on his black pug mug: completely precious! I love him so much for his cuteness and intelligence; I taught him how to “shake paw-to-hand” in 10 minutes with only positive reinforcement 🙂

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Damn dreams

Ever have strong premonitions that you want to ignore but the more you try to deny these gut instincts, the more the Universe slams it into your face? I’ve been feeling the irresistible pull towards my ex for a solid week now. Prior to last night, I dreamed of being with Beck and the daily in’s and out’s of seeing his family for three nights straight, all through the night. I didn’t cry until the last night because the ache, the empty space where he should be, slammed my waking conscious state. It’s this crazy gravitational pull I’ve been working against and it’s palatable like I’m carrying the weight of two states plus seven years lost. He still has power over me and as much as I tried breaking away from his loved ones (I *so* had five solid weeks in), the rubberband snap has me ricocheting back. What do I do? What can I do?

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Unfortunately, once a cheater

NOT always a cheater. If you have been deceived by a lover in the worst way, that is to say your belief and trust in love was violated, then, I’m sure you find some comfort that Karma will be a bitch and your ex lover will fall. We do unto others as we would do unto ourselves and we get what’s coming to us. Perhaps, telling yourself, as your friends and family have told you, a cheater can’t change and is destined for loneliness brings some solace; I know that to be untrue from personal experience on both sides.

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Time Progresses

How is it already March of 2017! Class is kicking my butt and today is midterms. Next week is Spring Break! I had planned on going to Hong Kong with my buddy but too short of notice for him (plus, the Dept. of State denied him a pass to go).

I’m beginning to see my ex in the same light as my loved ones (friends, too) do since our break-up. If they see me weakening, they firmly remind me that he still hasn’t apologized, hasn’t “manned up” and isn’t worth my love, my time. Six months is up (a deadline they set up) and I’m still standing, he’s still hiding. I know if I willed it so, he and I would cross paths but I haven’t wanted it on an unconscious level. It’s been a difficult task to do in staying away from his parents and pug on a conscious level; be proud of me, though, for having not seen them in over two months and having no contact for four weeks. There is no place for me in the lives which revolve around my ex: it’s been taken by another. The knowledge isn’t crippling anymore and I know that the time when they’ll all be strangers is coming along more quickly. About three or four nights ago, I dreamed of him all night and I woke up without heartache, without deep longing. I’m forging ahead, firmly and alone.

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Goodbye Muscle Training

They’ve been chiding me for a good month
Everyone in my circle pushing her to date
Pushing her ex from her thoughts and heart
They don’t want a very good woman wasted

So, I took her and dolled her all up
Her long, red hair and flawless skin
Required nothing more than touches
Her dress hugged the right features
Suede boots, stylish and classic
Thigh highs held in place by garters
Enhancing the turquoise lingerie set

I chaperone her date with a Wall St. broker
This is their third and like the last one,
Goes on for three hours over drinks and food
I watch his eyes linger on her lips and curves
As they walk towards the transportation home
His hand does not leave the small of her back
She lets him guide her, aware he wants her

The rhythmic sway of her hips into his side
attracts attention and I watch his eyes and mouth
set in a manner to dissuade his competition
Mostly, I see her internal struggle to stay than flee
She enjoys this man’s company, his stories
but her heart is still locked away: far from light
Far from pain, far from the half she won’t name

I whisper words of encouragement she can’t hear
The strength, the resolve she needs to trust again
Seems so far away for her: it’s easier to be numb
Cowardice was never her forte, she knows that
What’s unknown is if she can love and build again
After all, she gave him everything she could, save
The infrastructure that contained her personhood

As the financial analyst/investor tries to read her
I’m holding her, a hug from behind for the last time
He’s wrapped his arms around her waist as the A
comes in to whisk her away, leaving the ghost behind
His tender kiss has no price and yields a tear anyway
She gracefully returns it, softly and breaks away soon
The heartache is too much, the tears barely concealed

Her “goodbye muscle” is weak and in need of training
When she faces me, I look over her clear, youthful skin
A battle well won after weeks of stress, tears and anger
The body is rebounding much more slowly but with time
Anything is possible, anything can happen: love for her
I press her to charge ahead, to leave me behind to wait
We both know I’ll be waiting a long time: “love always”

That’s why I stay and she goes to find her next soulmate
She doesn’t need me in the way I needed her power of will
Her hourglass figure the perfect image of who we are
Together and apart but all contained in one glass piece
Existing in the same space: the Past and Present
Fragile, tiny particles Creating like jigsaw puzzle pieces
do for a larger, incomprehensible love story for the ages

She’s worthy of love; she just needs to work up the
Patience, Time, Resolve and Trust to go again
People like her aren’t meant to be used and abused
Rather, she’s to be inspirational and loved wholly.

I’ll be her past
Her children:
Our future.

A little inspiration

Watch “Midnight Special” starring Michael Shannon and Kirsten Dunst for just a great sci-fi and “religious” experience (if you’ve ever seen “Cloud Atlas” and enjoyed it so will you enjoy this one, too). I remember being told that spiritual energy, the human soul, never dies. It just goes out and becomes something else in the next stage of life. My grandmother promised she’d always watch over and for me: my destiny is not yet done. Some people come into this world already possessing this transformation and it’s their burden to figure out the next steps without causing harm, without sinning against the balance of life and death. Try that one on when you’re just grasping your fourth language in as many years making up your life.

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My Resignation (Part II)

Written on 12/23/2016 and the date only matters because Part III might be confusing.

I might be panicking that I made a big boo-boo by leaving Buki and the pets to someone else; some fears are financial but the rest stem from guilt and anxiety of the unknown. I know the type of woman Buki’s mother is (I lived with her subjecting me to unfounded “cures” for my asthma and eczema in the 80’s to early aughts: my mom) and I’m seriously considering the crime of theft to save the life of a dog who’s absolutely worth it. Do I turn back? I know I could have my job back in an instant if I asked but I know I can’t stem the tides of change and whether it’s further physical injury from my charge or no longer being able to watch the emotional and mental pain being inflicted upon every living thing in that house. His mother could have simply waited another 2 weeks for the new therapist to arrive before switching him from yet another private school (almost all in NY are not held accountable like our public schools). But the very thing I predicted occurred: Buki reacted against his new young, 6 ft, 220 lbs of muscle [who just got done playing professional basketball] therapist in a negative way.

Quicker than I could have managed to cross the kitchen, where I was making dinner, into the TV room (Buki can play possum – he waits until you are close enough or he has managed to quietly sneak up on you before attempting to hurt you), the new therapist was tackled (he, too, bought Buki’s docile behavior that day) from the side. In seconds, I hear the painful and panicking screams coming from him because Buki literally had his fingernails digging into his eye sockets so, I grabbed Buki around the waist from behind and he parlayed with his well-known kangaroo kick. This kid has such long legs, ballerinas and the Rockett’s kickline team are jealous and he’s not even done growing! Buki knows what he is doing when he is fighting but doesn’t know why and that inability to process his feelings simply creates more rage and confusion. He’s in a type of self preservation mode but that doesn’t excuse the trauma and damage done. I’ve never blacked out from a physical altercation so, I wasn’t prepared when the back of my skull cracked against the granite topped half wall behind me and I lost all ability to breath, orient myself and the use of my legs for a few terrifying seconds. The police were called (his new therapist works for a company that reports all incidents no matter the severity because they have to watch their backs against lawsuits/claims of abuse) and we were both taken to the ER. I have to wake up every few hours for the next few days though I doubt I’ll stop breathing as I sleep. Is any job or amount of money worth permanent damage?

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Mine

*Written 1/3/2017 when it was one of those infrequent days I could convince myself and my heart that it’s okay we’re not together in the here and now…maybe another lifetime when he’s stronger and more confident and I have the patience, nay, the strength to wait without knowing what’s in store. When he’s sorted himself out and I’ve forgotten who we were… when we meet, the same fireworks display, then, we become one again. Any sooner and I know it’d be much like this scene for myself because I still feel like this, still feel you whispering in my ear the last time I was in your arms.

Sometimes, I picture you reading, writing, listening to music/movies with your ear buds on while you’re in a Starbucks. I wondered if you were alone when you shot off your last email to me or with someone else by your side, supporting you, because I know how you are when you’re volatile and vulnerable. I wonder if you have the respect to keep away your new ___ from my blog, my little piece of the ‘Net. I wonder if you’ve become strong enough to brave me and my words. Then, I realize it doesn’t matter. These last few months will mean nothing in another year and they’ll be just another two line blurb in the summation of my life; that’s not to say our seven years will be as easy to wash away in a year’s time. The part of my heart that belongs to you begs the rest of me to turn back because it’s never too late. While everyone rushes me to lock down and throw away my memories/our love, I know eventually, I’ll admit it’s too late and walk away forever but in my own time, in my own way. Do you ever think of our happiest times? How can I be you and push something so far from my mind that it blurs until its no more?

When I see you again, I’ll have mine.
You won’t be mine.
I’ll have another love of my own
The career I thought was out of my reach?

Mine now.

When you see me again, love of mine
You won’t see yourself reflected in these bright, happy eyes of mine
The heartache I thought would be forever?

Not mine.

When I see you again, I’ll be a stranger
Give back the pieces that are mine
Puzzle pieces of my heart I gave you
The parts of you-

No longer mine. No longer desired.

When you see me again, I’ll be stronger
I’ll have risen and the world will be mine

When I see you again, I’ll remember
I will know: I don’t need you anymore.

I got minestill getting it all
No longer wounded by your lies.

A surprising heart-to-heart

The doctor is NOT a head doc/shrink 😛

Doc: We’re on schedule to seeing you off the CII by Oct or Nov of this year, barring anymore accidents/falls and we can always go with a nerve block if we see any regression with the CRPS. What has your GI said about your Crohn’s?

Me: He put me on prednisone back in Dec. and though the symptoms have scaled back on severity, they’re still present.

Doc: Are they going to give you a stronger dose or planning for something other than pharmaceuticals?

Me: I won’t go on a stronger dose of prednisone right now. I know from my asthma attacks and bouts of pneumonia that more and more prednisone is required each time my body tolerates a new level of it. I also don’t like the insane energy/lack of sleep I get while on it. So, I’m fasting for now and drinking ginger ale. It’s worked before though it can take 3 months to calm down the Crohn’s flare up.

Doc: You have to take better care of yourself! How else are you getting through med school?

Me: With an arsenal of doctors to keep me sane and my body functioning 😉

Doc: You, youngsters, take everything for granted like there’s all the time in the world. Like when are you getting married already?

Me (being a little sassy): When I finish med school and have a suitable partner?

Doc: Aren’t you still dating the Texan financial analyst/advisor? Wasn’t he the good one?

Me (laughing that my dr. recalls anything about my love life): The Texan and the financial analyst/advisor are two different people. But no, no longer exclusive.

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