I’d like a break, God, please?

Update- My bank discovered the location from which my credit cards were used to steal the initial $250: the friggin’ European Union! I have no relations in the region nor did I make any purchases for a product made overseas. I had to do some sleuthing of my own when I saw the “Overdraft Protection Transfer Fees” listed next to five dollars removed from my savings accounts when the first $250 went through and then another $270. The $10 isn’t a big deal if I had signed up for the OD Protection program which I willfully opted out when I opened my accounts. Do you see the unethical issue with my bank moving my money from account to account without my knowledge or permission? The thief (thieves?) would not have made off with so much if the checking account had went to zero and stayed there. I understand that a bank may offer to draw from one to cover the expense of another account when the difference in amount is under $50, which was not the case for me. Instead, my bank “replenished” the checking portion with the exact amount that was in there before the fraudulent charge, BOTH TIMES, and had the audacity to bill me for the “courtesy” with their ODP fees! Dude, absolutely not cool. The other fucked up part: none of the branch managers caught the $10 charge when they looked at my accounts and if they did, they said nothing to me. I had to make the calls to the bank before the money was returned and now, I simply have “provisional credit” (meaning they can withdraw it at any time if they deem the missing $500 was somehow legit) until their investigation is over!


Five hundred dollars stolen from my checking account because the link between my savings and checking was never severed. Apparently, there are TWO kinds of Overdraft Protection. One allows the bank to charge anywhere from $2-$10 for EACH transaction made, after the balance has hit zero, regardless of total amount per purchase for which many big banks were fined for deceptive practices in enrolling each client (also, the one I deliberately opted out of when I opened my accounts). The second one allows money to be withdrawn from a savings account into checking to cover whatever negative balance has accrued UNLESS you, again, opt out of it *IF* you even know about it! Now, an investigation is being opened before I get the all clear from being a suspect in fraudulent activities in my OWN accounts! What the f–k!

Continue reading “I’d like a break, God, please?”

Who art thou to speak on love and relationships?

This is going to be rambling because I do not know where to start. How about my day; it started with a car that didn’t want to fire up immediately (she’s 12 years old and these “hiccups” have persisted these last 3 years. I know she can only hold up well for another 3 years and then, it’ll be time to find and pay for a new depreciating asset 😦 ) en route to my cousin-in-law’s baby shower. It’s a huge surprise because they’ll have been married less than year when the expected due date arrives. I’m extremely happy for her! She fits into our loud, sometimes brawling family and she speaks the same dialect ^_^ We love her and we’re keeping her!

At the same event, I get cornered by my Aunt Terry to RSVP to her son’s engagement party WHILE her potential daughter-in-law is standing next to me. Here’s the contentions I (plus the majority of our family members) have about my Timmy’s engagement: it’s his first serious relationship and only 3 years old. In my culture, you have to date for FIVE before you even consider marriage because anything less isn’t enough time for a person’s idiosyncrasies/major flaws to reveal themselves and to be evaluated. Precedence in our family tree supports that wisdom: all my cousins who married under the five year mark are all divorced. Then, there’s the fact that my cousin’s fiancee will not eat our cultures dishes: she doesn’t even make an attempt to try. Why are you marrying a Chinese guy if you don’t enjoy a major aspect of the cultural via cuisine?! My cousin knew this and the very first Chinese New Year banquet he brought her to, she asked for a Chinese take-out type dish to be made especially for her because with a sneer, I quote, “I [she] don’t like this stuff. I can’t eat it.” She was sitting at a table of 12 with large family-style platters being shared and didn’t apologize for the affront as everyone else did eat “it” (the wonderful traditional foods). Timmy tried to spin some of the backlash as our aunts, uncles and other elders being racist/ethnocentric and I slapped him down. ALL (meaning two) of my non-Asian boyfriends were welcomed and they (i.e. only Beck) had the common decency to try to engage in our culture and cuisine without insulting others. I think it’s telling that Chris wouldn’t eat certain dishes so, that relationship was doomed. Chris’ refusal to make even the smallest attempt was insulting to everyone, as is this new girl. Timmy can’t see that and I can’t force him to because he’ll just dig in his heels. Amongst the first US born generation on my mom’s side, we think Timmy is trying to emulate my cousin (who’s wife is the mom-to-be) in fear of being left out. The kid is 27 but he has issues not yet resolved (his ADHD, inability to handle his drink, etc.) and the imaginary pressure isn’t being addressed.

Continue reading “Who art thou to speak on love and relationships?”

Damn dreams

Ever have strong premonitions that you want to ignore but the more you try to deny these gut instincts, the more the Universe slams it into your face? I’ve been feeling the irresistible pull towards my ex for a solid week now. Prior to last night, I dreamed of being with Beck and the daily in’s and out’s of seeing his family for three nights straight, all through the night. I didn’t cry until the last night because the ache, the empty space where he should be, slammed my waking conscious state. It’s this crazy gravitational pull I’ve been working against and it’s palatable like I’m carrying the weight of two states plus seven years lost. He still has power over me and as much as I tried breaking away from his loved ones (I *so* had five solid weeks in), the rubberband snap has me ricocheting back. What do I do? What can I do?

Continue reading “Damn dreams”

It’s Christmas Eve

and I just got one of the funniest phone calls to close out the year (I doubt I’ll get one funnier to top it)!

Me: Allo?

Banana: D, mom wants to know if you wanna go hot pot for dinner? I told her I’d call to see if you’re feeling better?

Me: Ugh, I keep getting sicker every day so, I don’t think I can handle hot pot…

Banana: Is your Prone’s that bad?

Me: My what?!

Banana: Your Prone’s!

Me: Okay, slllowly, tell me what you’re saying and stay in one spot ’cause I think your cell is breaking up.

Banana: Your Prone’s that upsets your belly (“upsets your belly” is spoken in Chinglish)

Me: You mean Crohn‘s with a C?

Banana: Yeah! That! I couldn’t remember it but that it sounded like prunes-

Me (cracking up): Oh, if only kid, if only prunes were my issue!

Banana: Aw, then want me to bring home pizza for you?

Me: Nah, just gonna fast for a few days and try to figure out what’s extending this most recent messy bout.

Banana: You’re not going to eat!? How’s that healthy?

Me: Believe me, I’m starving but it’s better than going back on the prednisone and being all crazy from the energy and lack of sleep.

Banana: Your prunes suck.

The Non-cliche

God, I have the stickiest ball of mental and emotional turmoil. Last night, I dreamt of a baby being placed in my arms by another woman and I knew the baby wasn’t mine. I was a little nervous and even commented that I was a little out of practice (neveremind wearing 4 inch stilettos!) and in my dream, holding the baby came as natural as it has since I first held my baby sister. I want to say it was Selle’s baby (being that I suffered through a baby shower last Saturday) but the warmth and weight of the baby indicated she was mine. Never thought I’d be the one fall to the friggin’ biological clock tick. There are a lot of never’s I promised myself.

Continue reading “The Non-cliche”

Your kind of irony`

If your fate is the inability to change the diet or lifestyle of the people you love the most (in an effort to elongate their lifespans), mine is listening to you observe and condemn the ill-treatment your siblings dole out onto their long term partners while experiencing the same kind of thoughtless/hurtful treatment from you that you can’t see nor readily admit.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” Want more irony? This is the Serenity Prayer that A.A. meetings utilize.

I don’t think it’s ironic that I began moving my diet towards veggies and fruit and our relationship ended: I find it tragic. You confessed, once, that you don’t like to announce to family and friends any pending achievements until the very moment they’re real. I’m the same: I wanted to see how far I could go along with your diet demands without informing you for two reasons: to see if you saw any differences in me and to keep from disappointing you if I faltered too soon. Even if I had cheated with a treat here and there, I would have gotten back on the saddle but you wouldn’t have allowed me that time. You’ve become a bully towards me; I took your initial stand against being your family’s scapegoat/whipping boy and breaking free of their co-dependency as a great sign and I saw your outbursts directed towards me as a means of releasing all your decades of pent-up anger/angst. That was fine, but what I didn’t foresee is being your whipping boy and the length of time you’ve been projecting familial issues on me and our relationship.




Rough draft – Not even friends

CAVEAT: if you’re my most recent ex, you don’t want to read this post.

Correction (7/31/2016): I can’t lay the sex thing on your shoulders solely; I’m sorry for that because I know there were days where I couldn’t handle being touched. As much I needed it, the days when sensory input was intolerable, it was beyond my full control to reciprocate your affection and sexual attention. I hated rejecting you and I hated myself for reacting in a manner that would spurn a lot of lovers. The RSD/CRPS has receded enough now that I was looking forward to engaging in long hours of foreplay and sex on a consistent basis. I wanted you to enjoy me as I was before I got sick; to indulge in my sexual prowess and to teach/egg each other onward to new, heightened states of sensual and powerful orgasmic energy. I knew, when I met you, that I had finally found someone who could match and overtake me in bed. So, I simply apologize.

Remember Beck’s words: everyone he cares for is a shitty person and he has no problem getting rid of people like that. HE’S the victim: he always apologizes first, he’s the one to make amends and compromises, he never knows what to expect from me (ironic because I’ve felt the same way about him when I know the family front isn’t ideal), HE’S the one always fixing our problems and I de-rail his plans. Basically, saying I’m a shitty person. I know I’m not. I also know we didn’t see our problems through the same lens and therefore, couldn’t always see viable solutions.

Beck is always full of excuses and rarely the one apologizing first. Back in Feb, he made an ultimatum and I followed through with the answer he wanted. I get home and instead of an apology for your behavior, you say “it’s silly” that “our” behavior should make us break up when you were the one who left the car and pushed me into breaking up with you. I have no idea why I bit my tongue when I should have smeared your face into the situation YOU created. Maybe it’s because I’m a pretty conciliatory person when it comes to the ones I love and let it go; it’s my fault for letting these things flow off my back like water. I let you think your flimsy excuses about your mother shooting down your hard apartment hunting efforts, the food she was cooking (but you were eating) that you deemed unhealthy, how the food was affecting your moods into a negative space (and for which you never take responsibility for controlling) and your brothers being idiotic, etc. fly. I put up with your insane mood swings and instability and I even told myself that you actually might have some majestic plan where a family with you (kids included) would be fine without financial stability. Your very vague responses when I ask you exactly *how* we’d survive without money (the staple being “I’ll figure it out, I promise we’ll be able to handle it, don’t worry”) were never truly comforting. The God complex you’ve developed (telling me how and what to eat, the “clarity” I’d develop from the diet just because you found it via raw fruits and veggies, the putdowns and abundant insistence that you’re right and I’m wrong, how you can cure me or our kids, ALL OF IT coming from someone who has yet to walk his talk for more than 3 months) was repulsive and repellent. You demanded that I give up on my doctors and modern medicine as “proof” that I love you and that I was committed to our relationship but there was never a hand-off on what your part would be. You haven’t and never intended to get your paperwork (SS card, license, citizenship/passport) in order for the marriage license and there was always an excuse as to why you didn’t or promises that you would do it later. That’s all I asked for and you thwarted all my attempts to help at every turn, whether it was to fill out a few goddamn pieces of paper or float you the money. Did you ever try to hypothesize on why the sex wasn’t as frequent or did you just live in la-la land that the body I was most attracted to (the one you had in the beginning and which I brought up a few times, only to hear “I need to lose more weight/become skinny Beck and then I’ll be ripped again”) was “just another something you were working on”? It’s my fault for not giving me a harsher wake-up call. I was too attuned to your sensitivities and when I tried to talk in a round-about manner to avoid hurting your feelings or you jumping to defense mode, you got frustrated and confused. You want it your way, always.

I took what you said about me using language indicating “I was half-in, half out” of our relationship and really worked on not using it. However, it only occurred to me today that *YOU’VE* been using it for a damn long time and I didn’t notice. Who the fuck says to the person they supposedly love and want to stay with, “I’m not sure if I’m better off alone or with you,” and fully expect their significant other to commit/wait for you? Who says, ” I can’t take much more of this shit,” and “I’m tired of trying,” AFTER lambasting their lover for the same message?! A hypocrite with too much ego and pride who believes the petty fights WILL matter 10 years from now. I wasn’t built to carry resentment and anger and venting is what keeps me from taking more drastic actions. I know we didn’t see problems from the same angle and our solutions weren’t going to match up because the first step to reconciliation/comprise, is being able to understand the partner. I watched the relationship videos you shared, I bought the ebooks in good faith that we’d work together and all for naught. You could not and still do not appreciate me: all the times I came running when you needed me, backing you up and being your biggest fan, helping you help someone you love reach across 200 miles in a vehicle you’ve taken for granted because you don’t have to deal with the wear and tear, the insurance, registration, NONE of the larger expenses outside of gas, visiting a friend in a hospital after a vehicular accident for 3 weeks non-stop and NEVER EVER throwing in your face the greenbacks being spent or the fact that we were doing things that benefited you more than me. God, I don’t even want a friendship with you, now or years down the road, at this point: I’m *THAT* hurt.

I know I’m not perfect. I’m stubborn and I have to do things in my time, my way but I don’t foist that unto others. I don’t judge or condemn another person’s path, the choices they make or where they started/ended up. I work with what I have and I know I chose you. I chose you above the others, even though I saw some flaws, because I preferred loving you. I really thought we’d make it through these fights that won’t matter 10 days or 100 years from now and up until last August, I thought if I fought to keep us together it would be enough. It wasn’t because you made the unanimous decision to end our relationship and continue with your incorrect assumptions by sending me away. You don’t want a lover – you want a disciple that you can manipulate, who will adore and worship you, who will “yes” you, who will grovel, beg and debase herself for your forgiveness (the way you like it) and take all the mean-spirited things you’ll do and say when your moods take a swing for the worst. Until I realized you were pulling the same stunt with “half in, half out” statements, I was letting you screw with my head and making me think *I* was the one completely fucked up. I know I’m not – I have a job that’s pretty secure which I feel is beneficial 97% of the time (except for the times I see the pain he can’t yet express but that will change because I won’t give up on helping him find the words), I have a plan for the near and closer-far future, I know I’m not a quitter nor a horrible lover/significant other (though it’s those qualities that lead me to stay when I probably should have abandoned ship long ago), I’ll eventually be able to untangle myself/my mind from all the poisonous things you’ve said , the burns on my psyche and heart from all the venting and cruelty I’ve willingly taken from you for your want of your close friends/loved ones (who weren’t readily available) will heal and I’ll find someone better suited for me. It won’t happen by the weekend – I don’t move as fast as you do when seeking out carnal pleasures and even less so when trying to connect mentally/emotionally with someone (be it message boards, other virtual/real-time means). That isn’t to say that someone of my caliber stays single for long either, I promise.

My passion for cheese

Banana: “How can you eat that when there’s this at home?”

Me: “I’ll eat mac and cheese any day at any time over dollhouse ramen noodles.”

Banana: “I think I’m turned off by mac and cheese because that’s what made up most of my college diet.”

Me: “Ha ha ha! I think it only turned me on more!”

Banana: “Why don’t you add some sausage or something to it? It’ll taste better and be more nutritious.”

Me: “Nah, I like it plain. I never got why people cut up hot dogs or random meatballs and add them to mac and cheese. It’s fine just as it is.”

Banana (shaking her head): “Tsk.”

Give me stinky, soft cheeses with pate and maybe some champagne and I am one easily pleased lady 😉 I don’t think I’m high maintenance: I don’t need expensive bags, shoes or clothing. All my jewelry is custom made but have usually been gifts – not something I demanded.