Who art thou to speak on love and relationships?

This is going to be rambling because I do not know where to start. How about my day; it started with a car that didn’t want to fire up immediately (she’s 12 years old and these “hiccups” have persisted these last 3 years. I know she can only hold up well for another 3 years and then, it’ll be time to find and pay for a new depreciating asset 😦 ) en route to my cousin-in-law’s baby shower. It’s a huge surprise because they’ll have been married less than year when the expected due date arrives. I’m extremely happy for her! She fits into our loud, sometimes brawling family and she speaks the same dialect ^_^ We love her and we’re keeping her!

At the same event, I get cornered by my Aunt Terry to RSVP to her son’s engagement party WHILE her potential daughter-in-law is standing next to me. Here’s the contentions I (plus the majority of our family members) have about my Timmy’s engagement: it’s his first serious relationship and only 3 years old. In my culture, you have to date for FIVE before you even consider marriage because anything less isn’t enough time for a person’s idiosyncrasies/major flaws to reveal themselves and to be evaluated. Precedence in our family tree supports that wisdom: all my cousins who married under the five year mark are all divorced. Then, there’s the fact that my cousin’s fiancee will not eat our cultures dishes: she doesn’t even make an attempt to try. Why are you marrying a Chinese guy if you don’t enjoy a major aspect of the cultural via cuisine?! My cousin knew this and the very first Chinese New Year banquet he brought her to, she asked for a Chinese take-out type dish to be made especially for her because with a sneer, I quote, “I [she] don’t like this stuff. I can’t eat it.” She was sitting at a table of 12 with large family-style platters being shared and didn’t apologize for the affront as everyone else did eat “it” (the wonderful traditional foods). Timmy tried to spin some of the backlash as our aunts, uncles and other elders being racist/ethnocentric and I slapped him down. ALL (meaning two) of my non-Asian boyfriends were welcomed and they (i.e. only Beck) had the common decency to try to engage in our culture and cuisine without insulting others. I think it’s telling that Chris wouldn’t eat certain dishes so, that relationship was doomed. Chris’ refusal to make even the smallest attempt was insulting to everyone, as is this new girl. Timmy can’t see that and I can’t force him to because he’ll just dig in his heels. Amongst the first US born generation on my mom’s side, we think Timmy is trying to emulate my cousin (who’s wife is the mom-to-be) in fear of being left out. The kid is 27 but he has issues not yet resolved (his ADHD, inability to handle his drink, etc.) and the imaginary pressure isn’t being addressed.

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Why can’t he see he’s losing me…

… by repetitively and very persistently pushing my buttons, ergo driving me away? His rhetoric has become overbearing and condescending by calling my diseases a “burden unto him which he has put up with all this time.” As if I have ever relied on him to manage my illnesses or that I need him to assist 24/7 at all. Have I not dealt with my health before he came along and does he think I’ll die if he moves along to a new relationship, a different life without me? It really pisses me off that he throws my health in MY face like I don’t know the situation thoroughly and tries to leverage the times he helped me get somewhere up to 90% functional so that I could drive back to NY on my own to see my doctors. He has literally said he’s “put up with my conditions for the last six years” as if I’m supposed to be a grateful albatross around his neck and as if I lied about my health from the start. I told Beck straight up what the deal was and he said he knew what he was getting into but NOW, I have to change my values/beliefs/who I am to match his views, his wants. I know he believes a raw diet will “cure” my Crohn’s and asthma (i.e. my body and overall health), but he doesn’t consider that my peace of mind, my strength will be snapped for running headlong into a situation I am wary of. I don’t believe all the testimonials from “cured patients” who were diagnosed with the same diseases I have; especially, knowing that any disease can be experienced by varying degrees in each individual and those being cured by organic food alone could have been misdiagnosed. Beck counters that “not believing” isn’t good enough and I/my friends say believing isn’t enough to require someone change themselves entirely for another. God forbid, 25 years from now, after ALL that I do and ALL I change for him, he leaves me or wants me to become someone else entirely AGAIN. I’m not a puppet or a doll or a lab rat and I would definitely become a shell of a person (to appease my lover) existing in a somewhat healthy body. A healthy body can produce a healthy mind, but a strong mind can overcome a broken body: at least, that’s my philosophy.

Continue reading “Why can’t he see he’s losing me…”