I’d like a break, God, please?

Update- My bank discovered the location from which my credit cards were used to steal the initial $250: the friggin’ European Union! I have no relations in the region nor did I make any purchases for a product made overseas. I had to do some sleuthing of my own when I saw the “Overdraft Protection Transfer Fees” listed next to five dollars removed from my savings accounts when the first $250 went through and then another $270. The $10 isn’t a big deal if I had signed up for the OD Protection program which I willfully opted out when I opened my accounts. Do you see the unethical issue with my bank moving my money from account to account without my knowledge or permission? The thief (thieves?) would not have made off with so much if the checking account had went to zero and stayed there. I understand that a bank may offer to draw from one to cover the expense of another account when the difference in amount is under $50, which was not the case for me. Instead, my bank “replenished” the checking portion with the exact amount that was in there before the fraudulent charge, BOTH TIMES, and had the audacity to bill me for the “courtesy” with their ODP fees! Dude, absolutely not cool. The other fucked up part: none of the branch managers caught the $10 charge when they looked at my accounts and if they did, they said nothing to me. I had to make the calls to the bank before the money was returned and now, I simply have “provisional credit” (meaning they can withdraw it at any time if they deem the missing $500 was somehow legit) until their investigation is over!


Five hundred dollars stolen from my checking account because the link between my savings and checking was never severed. Apparently, there are TWO kinds of Overdraft Protection. One allows the bank to charge anywhere from $2-$10 for EACH transaction made, after the balance has hit zero, regardless of total amount per purchase for which many big banks were fined for deceptive practices in enrolling each client (also, the one I deliberately opted out of when I opened my accounts). The second one allows money to be withdrawn from a savings account into checking to cover whatever negative balance has accrued UNLESS you, again, opt out of it *IF* you even know about it! Now, an investigation is being opened before I get the all clear from being a suspect in fraudulent activities in my OWN accounts! What the f–k!

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This sums up my emotional state

Tsum tsum, baby!

How can you not like little, chubby cuteness? Don’t be heartless, my friend 😉 I need something (one?) to cuddle up to… because I saw my ex’s mother yesterday. It was supposed to be the perfect time to tie off another relationship to Beck and a final Mother’s Day gift. Of course, all my careful planning went out the window (I tend to rush getting ready and in that running about, a detail or two will always fall through) with a package of photos. Then, three major accidents en route (two in the opposite direction but everyone enjoys rubbing necking on both sides >=o( ) and being late for the hair appointment I set up ($125 well worth the end result for the haircut and shine; we have to go back to tone down the red lowlights even though, over all, it makes her look younger). We stayed for two hours to gently strip the bad black dye job to make it accept the new colors. Afterwards, a fun, light dinner at a Korean place (I used up this month’s spicy consummation but *so* worth it!) and “dessert” at Starbucks. I also got to see Benji who, at 11 years old, has a white goatee on his black pug mug: completely precious! I love him so much for his cuteness and intelligence; I taught him how to “shake paw-to-hand” in 10 minutes with only positive reinforcement 🙂

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Cheating: Lesson Learned

Let’s start with this: when it comes to ruthlessness and being tactless, I can be one of the worst. I might be more blunt with a loved one (I consider my friends as loved ones) than a stranger or acquaintance because I fear for them and whatever situation they may be tangled up in. Even as I write, I’m chuckling at myself because speaking in euphemisms is not an ability I have and beating around the bush just makes whatever message I have more convoluted. Therefore, when you read the conversation between me and my friends, I hope I don’t lose you when I sound like a bitch.

A little background: I’ve stated before I grew up as a tomboy and I’ve always felt more comfortable around guys than the girls (who could be really catty and fake). I know their body language and am privy to more gossip than my few female friends will muster up. The latter is probably because I’ve never tolerated gossip and liars and am more than happy to call someone out on their b.s. Running with the guys from elementary school up to and through college meant a lot of pressure standing up against rumors that I might be slutty and that’s why the guys followed me around (the guys stayed with me because they enjoyed my friendship and because where my brother went, so did I, my sister and girlfriends). I made it a point to date outside the district to avoid discussions about my love life and worked extra hard to either be with someone or not: there was no hazy middle ground. I sure as hell did not break up other couples and a friend was a friend and no more. Still, the gossip suggesting I was a player was impossible to put out, and partly, because I am very sociable and I’m always willing to include others than ice them out of my social circle. That can send mixed signals when you’re a hormonal teen and not me, but my codes remain unbroken: a friend is a friend and no more. If I wanted it to be more, you would get the memo first 😉

Come college, I did run with a group of “players” because I didn’t get shit from them for being friendly and warm. My early childhood as an outcast due to my ethnicity in white suburbia stayed with me for a very long time and I know what it’s like looking in and being kept out. It’s why I don’t exclude anyone if I don’t have to (I will not associate with bigots, haters, gossipers, violence seekers, etc) and that’s all the explanation you will ever get from me. Enter XY who, along with my college ex, did have the agenda of bedding and dating as many girls as he could. To this day, he has no idea what his count is and I lost track around 20-30. Recently, he experienced a life changing event and had to re-evaluate his modus operandi of dating someone and sleeping around behind her back every time they got in a fight or shit wasn’t panning out. He got a kick out of stealing a girl away from another guy if he just “couldn’t help himself.” None of my warnings about karma were taken seriously before this monumental moment of inner reflection. A common conversation on FB or via texts and phone call:

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A finder *finds*

A seeker might never finish his journey because then, he would be a Finder.

Let’s start with Valentine’s Day and the debacle of letting someone down gently. The teacher/musician-songwriter actually got on my case about my plans (just staying low key and being with friends) when we had a planned date for Thursday. I’m going to transcribe his litany of words and my texts back. For what it’s worth, I can’t read tone in texts and emails. A handwritten letter or phone call is so much more do-able.

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Happy Anniversary

Today would have been seven years. Back in July, I began saving money/had planned for a 7 day cruise or 7 day trip to some exotic locale (Chile or Provence, France, maybe?) we’d talked about but didn’t get around to: one day for every year. I was so excited to surprise you with the trip and had begun laying out the blueprint to acquire our passports, with the help of my aunt, in the shortest amount of time possible. I didn’t know if I could keep the secret… I didn’t know we wouldn’t be together.

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Love of Friends

Louis CK on self-love verses self-awareness (I completely agree that self awareness is much more important than loving yourself in some circumstances) and being an asshole. I think true best friends are the ones who will risk wrath/hatred/resentment to tell you something you don’t want to hear, whether it’s about yourself, your decisions/actions, philosophy/view(s) or your life/situation. They’ll do the things in your best interest especially, if you lack foresight or perspective (i.e. the big picture) because they love you enough and they believe your friendship is strong enough to weather through the temporary stages (e.g. the five stages of grief).

Thusly, two weeks ago I had help packing up everything that reminded me of Beck (stuffed animals, other mementos, journals, etc.) into three boxes. As my friends help me shift furniture to make room for some new additions, I didn’t notice one had disappeared with two of the boxes until I smelled something burning. PTSD is triggered and I frantically search for the source of heat that smells like it’s in the house: where’s the fire! When I turn in desperation to the remaining two, I notice how calm they are and how diligently they’re standing in front of the doors and by the windows. I bolt for the backyard because I can see the smoke but I don’t get farther than the screen door as one bars the doorway with his frame and the other wrestles to keep me inside as I’m screaming and screaming at what I see: my boxes of memories are burning! It takes the two of them to drag me down as I’m cursing and using my surprising strength to get outside and save the things I know are beyond saving: I still have to try.

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An open letter to New Suitors

I could tell you all there is to know about me, the soup to nuts but I know you won’t listen and retain all of it. I could tell you what makes me tick (in bed, the kitchen, public settings, etc.) but it wouldn’t matter because you’d superimpose what you wanted of me, eventually if not secretly. I could tell you how I’m not ready for anything new because my 6.5 year relationship was recently terminated sixty days ago and I need to sort through the emotional baggage my ex left me holding when he went to get a new P.O.A. I could tell you I need time for me because I refuse to become involved with someone new if the baggage has every chance of hurting a stranger who doesn’t deserve it. I could tell you it all but I know the futility of it because it’s happened before, it’s happening now and will continue in the future for as long as I am single.

You’re going to fall for me very quickly and most likely, you’re going to fall hard. I’m great at listening and entertaining but that won’t be the draw. I can dress up to the nines and look like I just stepped out of a page in Vogue. I can dress down and look like I jumped out of a Nike ad. But those won’t be the draw: I glow, I know I do and I radiate when I’m happiest or on the prowl. You’ll feel like you’ve known me forever or at least, that you’ve spent that time looking for me. Yes, I’m eloquent with words which you will find strikes your heart and soul very deeply  – I have been blessed with this ability all my life (from childhood to now, as hard as it is to believe. I’ve been told hundreds of times that I must be “an old soul.”) My intuitive and inquisitive nature is not uncommon: it’s the fact that I’ve remained hopeful and can still be vulnerable that makes me awesome and wholesome and you’ll try to figure me out when there’s nothing to figure out. Those hours of conversation, over the phone, the net, Skype, will make you insistent on seeing me or seeing more of me, much more often than I’m willing to give so early on. I’m not playing hard to get or being a snob: I’m giving you a genuine answer and requesting that you respect my boundaries. I know I’m very easy to talk to and it’s enjoyable: it’s called having social skills, being poised and knowledgeable. That je-ne-sais-quoi feeling you’re getting is magnetic, I know and I pity you if this is the first time or only second (whatever minuscule amount) that you’re really connecting with another person. Please don’t be angry or become resentful if I don’t return the affection. You see, you’re not the only one in my life who feels that way towards and around me; before I let you into my inner circle, I have to know what you’re like at your worst and best and those things take time. Be patient.

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On a beautiful fall night, I heard my name called out. I didn’t answer the first time but looked harder when I heard my full name the second time. It was him: a childhood friend who I crushed on. Gorgeous blue eyes, much taller stature and that wonderful smile so easy to get lost in: my Kobe B. (reverse the order and you get his name, kinda 😉 ) standing on the football field. I jump out of my car and sprint into his arms and I feel like I’m 12 turning 13 again ::bliss:: Then, I hear the beautiful rumble of a sleek European made car and turn around (I can’t help it) as KB waves it over. I never thought I’d see the driver in this lifetime again and it’s Brasstacks (don’t ask). My glee at seeing these stunning and wholesome men is only overpowered by my excitement when I realize I can get behind the wheel of the car! OMG, I def got wet at the thought, tehehe!

Me: OMG OMG OMG- – puhllllleease, can I get behind the wheel, Brasstacks!

BS: Oh hell no! I just got it done (the paint and candy coating, he meant)!

Me: Are you kidd-, dude, I’m one of the best defensive drivers in the US! You can sit on the passenger side and control the speed that I go at, PLEASE! I need this! I just broke up with my ex and some much needed muscle power between my legs would-

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117This was us

I’m sorry I hurt you to the point of  being unable to stay in touch. You’d been pushing me away all year and more forcefully and cruelly than ever starting in August but not owning it until I made you. Would you really try to deny that by trying to push me into the arms of another man, sexually, you weren’t setting me up/creating an excuse to leave our relationship? Because that’s what it felt like and I intuitively rejected it. God, if I had felt it any other way I would have given in but I felt the distance between us. You’re right, I built walls and when we reconciled last year, I wasn’t sure if they should come down because I was trying to work out and separate feelings of abandonment, distrust and weariness. I was just starting to find me again after all the time spent bending to your will, conceding to you and unsure if you, who you were becoming/have become, were the person I fell in love with. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I was trying to catch up to you on a clean way of living because I didn’t want to fail you or dash any hopes. You know I’m not good when I’m pushed to agree on something – it had to come in at my pace. You have a way of talking to your loved ones in an overbearing tone sometimes and your expectation that they become what you want, do what you want, see and think as you do and follow your lead blindly wasn’t the right way to do things; your approach to certain topics could come off as zealous and I know I wasn’t the only one to notice or the first to experience the pressure. You could be a hypocrite sometimes but so could I; you made me doubt and double check myself and then became angry when I couldn’t form the sentences to express myself with all you interrupt. You think you argue in a rational manner but you don’t always do that. You cut in, concentrate on little expressions or sentence arrangement and disrupt the thoughts of me or any of the people you love and in little ways, redirect the argument and then, blame it on someone else. I know you say *I* did that and I did sometimes. However, my bafflement wasn’t/isn’t one sided. I’m more sure of that than anything else you could say to make me doubt myself.

I didn’t want to fight with you on Wednesday night but you can’t help yourself in dragging people down with you. You like fighting even if you profess the drain you feel, I can tell you get off on it. You’ve said so as much, when we were in more lucid times, how you feel powerful you feel and how much you enjoy “sticking it” to someone(s). I’m not saying these things to hurt you but to make you see your own behavior. My talks with your siblings leads me to believe you’ve been a grudge holder and vindictive most of your life and it makes me sad for you. I wanted peace between us and I think you behave like a jerk to drive me away b/c you think things will get better that way. It couldn’t be anymore worse of a choice and action to play out to think you can outrun the parts of your soul I share. You didn’t really want to reconcile last year – I was still locked out and slapped down when you wouldn’t admit something else was bothering you or you were upset with someone; I had to dig and  dig while taking the backlash until you would come up with your discontent/grievance that I sensed. I’m guilty of the same thing and why I never held it against you if you could keep an argument from spiraling into name calling and baseless accusations… if you could keep from breaking up with me everytime when you know it was the most painful of words you could cut me with. Fuck, I still love you and I still forgive you! I’m wrestling with my friends and my conscience and my pride and morals: everything saying to let go for my health, my benefit but they don’t account for the pieces of my heart and soul I would have to lose, too! I wish I knew how to quit you and I know the Universe is still spinning around the stars you and I are in our own galaxy. Eventually, I will consume the spiritual energy I released and gave to you – it’ll come back times three. Where another, a better you (but not you, if you know what I mean) will join me and that place of friendship will be swallowed into the abyss.

I wish I knew how to stop loving you in all ways, then I wouldn’t miss you, I wouldn’t dream of you. I wouldn’t miss you as horribly as I do. I stayed without you asking, I stayed when you asked and I’m staying here again with an offer of future support. You’re right, we can’t be just friends – our souls were fused together and denying our love and attraction to one another wouldn’t have lasted long.What I discovered in the last month about long-term relationships and being in love and loving someone waxes and wanes in it because it takes energy to love (that might explain your hunger around me), contained or not. It’s a natural cycle and feeling the intensity diminish a little can be taken as a breaking relationship or “falling out of love.” I thought I knew what I was talking about when I told you, many times before, that the hardest thing to learn is the difference between loving someone and being in love; I thought I knew all there was to know based on my relationship experience but I’ve been corrected by more wise people. The marriages that last the longest acknowledge this cycle and the love never leaves, the connection never dies. I really wanted having you in my life to work out b/c I need you to be happy and if a different relationship is what will make you so, then I want you to know it’s okay that you’re with someone else. I won’t keep you back, I won’t ask for you back and I won’t be in the picture.

A big part of me wants to be available to you in anyway you might need me in the future but I know, in the game of love and soulmates, that it’s winner takes it all. All of you and me or none at all. I know if I leave a door open for you, I could regret it but once I decide to drop someone, discover they’re not worth my time or developing quickly enough to be a beneficial friend, the doors and windows slam shut permanently. I’m not as angry anymore (that’s one area, at least, where I am not a turtle in digesting, analyzing and coming to a solution/conclusion) and- the latent anger after last year’s break up needed an outlet that you wouldn’t provide (at least, that’s the way I saw and felt it) popped like a balloon. The remaining angst is the reason I hurt you and unintentionally because I wouldn’t answer to the pain in my heart. The pain overwhelmed my ability to think and form cohesive thoughts, solutions and to see things from a clear perspective. If we had hashed it out, which I know you didn’t want to do because you’d deflect/change the topic yourself, we wouldn’t be here right now. If you hadn’t hardlined me into silence and knocking me down everytime I tried to step up and apologize, I wouldn’t have been so scared of losing you after every little spat and over the big, overblown fights. It’s not your fault because I should have done it anyway (kept at you for a discussion… that may have backfired depending on your frame of mind) and we still might have ended up here, but at least we would have known/learned something.

I keep having this dream that we’re together with kids but maybe it’s not you and more my soulmate; my head simply uses you as a placeholder. In the dreams, we have these conversations akin to what we had in the beginning continuing until, and this is only my estimate, 2014 is pinpointed as the year a lot changed for you. Kris was serving his time, Stephane moved away and you moved to a new home with its own complications. We spent too much time in NJ houses brimming with stress, depression, anger/resentment and dysfunction. Our happy bubble shrunk until it popped because our happy place was always with each other, alone and doing our thing; NOT being influenced or bombarded with familial strain/tension, the disrespect of boundaries/responsibilities and general communication failure (that wasn’t our problem, individually or as a couple). It was a nearly impossible task to lift Beck out of his depression sometimes and if I was stressed/having an off day,  our state of minds collided and created issues. If I kept things tightly wrapped up in me, it was because Beck couldn’t handle me and there were times it seemed that there was no room for my issues. I would have gone to him if I felt he would be receptive but I got shot down way too often; even now, I want to reach him but I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, be around me and I’ve finally learned to give him so much space that he drifted away completely. I think he was full of shit when he said he was still in love with me 4 weeks ago but it doesn’t matter in the bigger picture: he’s still gone. I’m equivocally dead to him. He never got or took the chance to know me which is why I wish I could reset the clock. I wanted to be known, deeply and wholly – Beck and I are nearly identical at this juncture. My soul says we’re locked together but I’m hoping the Universe will let that unravel. There was a lot of stress being relieved in my dreams from our chats, positive feelings that were palatable and the Universe emphasized again and again that we had to meet. Unlike Beck, I’ve met many people who share qualities and experiences that I thought only I had and connected with them. I can’t explain the odd coincidences of chance meetings, unbelievable experiences and the fact Destiny has wrapped me up and guided everything that I wanted my way. He has needed more friends, more confidantes since he began cutting/shunning people from his life – it was really rough on me that he relied so heavily and solely on me for support, fun, compassion, etc. I bore it out of unconditional love for Beck but it did take its toll. I kept pushing him to socialize and to grow: I don’t regret it even when it’s meant we can’t be together right now (or ever?). He’s the man I know he can be if he just let go of his anger and spite.

I hope you read this someday and can feel the sincerity of my well wishes, that you’ll hear an echo of our love if we’re years and decades apart. Seven years gone and the years of friendship that I regret losing. Most of these journal entries prior to this will be/are moot points but I’d prefer having conversations one on one instead of being misread if there’s a desire for clarity. I’m feeling like my bright, bouncy self again and I know only good things are in store for me as I hope they are for you. We’re getting to the end of these entries where I’m reaching the turnaround time to walk away forever and I told you they will disappear into oblivion/be erased. I’m fine and I’m reminded of it everyday by loving individuals who are letting me unload the emotional/mental burden and financial stress Beck put me through (not frequently but it seemed like he targeted specific times when he knew I was vulnerable).

Just last night, I hit up a strip club with a friend and his brother AFTER meeting at a different bar. They tricked me into going when I insisted we weren’t b/c my buddy needs to save his cash. They have matching smirks and offered playful apologies when they saw the look on my face when we entered: I was pissed. I couldn’t just leave them there either cause I was the DD and I knew hundreds of dollars would be blown if I left or I didn’t keep his wallet. I enjoyed taking away half the amount retrieved from the ATM and shaking my head as more than the half I let him hold onto disappeared in 8 minutes, not even kidding! I know he was trying to butter up the bartender (who was very pretty and you couldn’t tell that just 6 months prior, she was pregnant) because he never called her back. When guys bring a girl to a strip club, it’s to discourage the strippers they don’t care for because BOTH of them referred to my as their girlfriend like we were in some twisted TV reality show. I played along initially until I nearly killed his brother when he took himself a little too seriously in his drunken state and forced himself on me at the club. The little fucker was throwing money at the girls instead of being more polite and was trying to make it a game where he treated their breasts and thongs like basketball hoops. One stripper had enough of the kid (who pounded 5 shots of Jameson in one hour) and started telling him off but he thought he was being cute by being MORE disrespectful. That’s when we left just as the bouncers were coming our way. But the best part of the night was the way the women flocked to me without me doing any work. I have never had a difficult time attracting men and women to me (it’s that sexuality that roils off and around me and for which I have no control) and my best friend knows it: which is why he also enjoys watching it happen and being there next to me getting in on any action, LOL! I know I sound full of myself but if you ever want to tag along and experience it for yourself, hit me up with an email or however you get to my journal entries ^_^

Last night, it was the first time I’ve eaten well since Beck and I broke up. I’ve lost close to 15-17 lbs. and if someone asks what my secret is, I tell them it’s called “My break up diet” where I become extremely nauseous when food is in my face. I know it’s the tension and stress making me tighten up all my muscles so there’s no room left for food in my belly. I see “my breakup diet” as a positive but it’s not for everyone. It’s also a good test run of what I’ll feel in med school and show me how long my Crohn’s will remain in remission/not be an issue. After all, my last year at Buffalo was derailed by severe episodes of ulcerative colitis that ultimately became chronic while my semester credits, job as nanny/tutor and apartment upkeep/utility bills needed attention. So far, I’m hanging really well in and I look friggin awesome! My Lucky Brand jeans/clothing help exude my sexiness as does the lingerie under it all ;o)



He pushed me just far enough away

Edit on 10/19/2016 at 3:30 am EST: I was called out on the following quote for being sexist. Yes, I know the reverse is true because women are capable of the same thoughtlessness. “The biggest coward is a (wo)man who awakens a wo(man)’s love with no intention of loving him/her the same.” Everyone happy now? This awkward paragraph is dedicated to you nitpickers and grammar sticklers have you to blame 😉 The golden rule is not to date your rebound ever and I hope he’s honed his radar for manipulation because I don’t appreciate my words and thoughts (i.e. my blog) being mined for the benefit of someone else (i.e. trying to pass my entries as their “original” written work) and whatever agenda they have in widening a distance becoming more vast with each week of silence. The tracking numbers don’t lie.

When he admitted that he just wanted to be understood at the deepest core, I knew what he meant. He had frozen me out a longtime ago by giving me brusque answers, silence or curt replies to my inquires. In time, I learned to stop asking the questions that mattered to me and our relationship because he wasn’t going to give me the answer. I knew what it was like to find solace from someone outside of our relationship – Greg gave me the words I could not find after Stitch’s death. I regret not being able to provide that for Beck in the last months of our relationship: he deserved that much from me at minimum. I’m sorry, Beck. I wish I could go back and undo/take it back or start afresh and leave it all behind. I wish I knew how to stop loving you so that I, my blog, my emails, all of it wouldn’t be as messy. I scream and shout on my blog because I feel it’s the only place I can and then, I still have the chance to re-read/edit the chaos into understandable bits without fear of hurting you/being hurt by you. I want it out of system so that when/if we meet up again, we can be just two people enjoying the others’ company.

I want to be able to tell Beck that reminding me not to touch him because “he’s just keeping it real” is his issue not mine and not my responsibility. My intense sexuality rolls off my curves and roils around my hips and thighs: I can’t change it anymore than I can change my skin color. I view it in the same vein as his relationship with food and the strict structure he needed/wanted had to come from him and not me. I don’t screw with other people’s relationships and insinuating that I would makes me want to cut ties with him. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it: one of those things is keeping to himself what he wants (i.e. you don’t place a burden on someone else where you get the most benefit). The same blazing anger surfaced when he would go off and rant/preach at me in some pretense of conversation; I listened and I let him vent, why couldn’t he return the gesture? I loved him and his flaws and his strengths and absorbed his negativity without really thinking how it would affect me: I just wanted him to feel better and happy. He doesn’t realize how much I don’t want to be his soulmate anymore – it hurts too much and his promise to absorb all of my pain until there was no more is just another example of his word falling through. I don’t even say this in anger: just simple dejected acceptance. I can’t stop the dreams coming through and I can’t control the purity of emotion in the dreams and when I wake from them, I’m sent right back to start. I want so badly to control this gift of precognition: even if it means our sweet baby girls and son are never to be. Don’t you see? I knew when he fucked someone else just as I already knew he stopped being in love and loving me and was committed to some else (whether or not my consciousness would allow me to brace myself). Like I know it will be futile to resist what is meant to be and maybe that’s why I’m shown the future, so I can prepare/be prepared. I’m still grasping that Beck loves someone else and though his new relationship/courtship has many parallels to the way we began our whirlwind relationship, the stark differences include all the phases/philosophical transitions he’s gone through, we went through and I recall them all. I found an art journal from 2010 and one, of many, key thread is realizing we met too soon. I have to let him go and I need it to happen faster: it hurts too much to share my soul with him when I can’t comprehend the bigger picture. A part of me knows that he might be just another stepping stone towards the One because each time I’ve managed to choose a better lover to commit to/for the long-term. Their great qualities begin to match up with the man who I know exists and who will make all the heartache from relationships past all the worthwhile. Still, I have to force myself to cut this golden thread attached to Beck because I won’t lie to myself the way he lied to me. It’s hard admitting that he lied to me these last few months because I thought I knew him. I would have never pegged him as one to swing from one relationship into another (and he said I move fast?!) just as I didn’t see how he was pushing me away sexually towards other men/into more extreme sex. He knew how I felt about certain acts based on my childhood trauma but he did it anyway. You ask me why I would want him back or not at all in my life and I’ll tell you it’s that I understand/know we’ll always be a part of the other, because he knows me best and I remember him best: our hearts are locked together. On the other hand, I also don’t want to know anything more because it’s killing me. I’m being pulled apart from two sides in opposite directions: one wanting so badly to ask Beck if we could try again, starting as fresh as, “Hi, I’m Daisy. What’s your name?” and the other wanting to listen to family and friends to cut him off completely.

I can forgive a lot because my capacity to understand others and their actions is nearly limitless. I know people can change and so can their hearts: I don’t begrudge them the ability or experience to do it at any age/stage. I have to learn to harden my heart because love makes me foolish and blinds me from undeniable facts. I have to remind myself how he isn’t working and there’s a strong sense of co-dependency which isn’t entirely his problem; I worked really intensely to encourage and motivate Beck by propping up his self-esteem to believe in himself but he didn’t hear me most of the time. I know what an idiot I’ll look like if I continue providing assistance (a shoulder to cry on, cash, my positive outlook, etc.) to him. I know his parents and brother hope I can forgive Beck and this time period so that they can keep their daughter/sister-in-law, if not now, then later on (I tell them Beck’s changed/we’re not getting back together and they’re only now, after all these years, beginning to listen to me and understand. I’m stepping aside as his cheerleader, confidante and best friend and his parents know not to interfere. I hate seeing my elders cry ). When a couple breaks up, they don’t lose just each other – they end up divorcing an entire network of people who love them as individuals and share in the blessing of soulmates finding one another. I hold all these memories that bind me to Beck and I wish they could be wiped from  my heart and mind. I had hoped Beck could become like his Bal (who’s been asking for/about him) but what use is hoping when the relationship is dead? With each day that goes by without hearing from him, each week without seeing him, I move a little more away. I find peace knowing he’s happy and solace that he’ll try to rebuild his relationship with his family. He was afraid to lose himself in a relationship and I bought that line: that’s why the betrayal hurts when he tells me he doesn’t want anyone else but clearly does the opposite. I have to let go because I’m not the one he wants and I should be rejoicing that he’s found his sense of self and is able to hold onto it: I am rejoicing.

I gave up DHS guy  and dropped him – all the red flags raised were grounded in fact.  Everything was moving too fast and he went as far as to use his resources to check on me. The Maltese puppy was the breaker though: he chose the one I wanted and it was in his tone and body language that the puppy was going to be a bargaining chip for him. Animals and pets are not objects to be entertainment for humans and they sure as hell aren’t a manipulation tool! It’s a big mistake to date a rebound without dropping some baggage/taking time out for self reflection, otherwise it circles through repeatedly with other relationships and it’s a never-ending cycle of bliss with fiery crash and burn. I remembered my lessons from Chris and Jed: you don’t enter and interfere with someone’s life until you have your shit in order. It’s selfish and wrong to go about that any other way. Maybe, if I work really hard or harder than I did to keep me and Beck together, by the end of the month or the next one, I’ll be facing and walking the other way. With the blessing of the Universe to try to change course, I can try but God laughs at man’s plans.