Damn dreams

Ever have strong premonitions that you want to ignore but the more you try to deny these gut instincts, the more the Universe slams it into your face? I’ve been feeling the irresistible pull towards my ex for a solid week now. Prior to last night, I dreamed of being with Beck and the daily in’s and out’s of seeing his family for three nights straight, all through the night. I didn’t cry until the last night because the ache, the empty space where he should be, slammed my waking conscious state. It’s this crazy gravitational pull I’ve been working against and it’s palatable like I’m carrying the weight of two states plus seven years lost. He still has power over me and as much as I tried breaking away from his loved ones (I *so* had five solid weeks in), the rubberband snap has me ricocheting back. What do I do? What can I do?

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Time Progresses

How is it already March of 2017! Class is kicking my butt and today is midterms. Next week is Spring Break! I had planned on going to Hong Kong with my buddy but too short of notice for him (plus, the Dept. of State denied him a pass to go).

I’m beginning to see my ex in the same light as my loved ones (friends, too) do since our break-up. If they see me weakening, they firmly remind me that he still hasn’t apologized, hasn’t “manned up” and isn’t worth my love, my time. Six months is up (a deadline they set up) and I’m still standing, he’s still hiding. I know if I willed it so, he and I would cross paths but I haven’t wanted it on an unconscious level. It’s been a difficult task to do in staying away from his parents and pug on a conscious level; be proud of me, though, for having not seen them in over two months and having no contact for four weeks. There is no place for me in the lives which revolve around my ex: it’s been taken by another. The knowledge isn’t crippling anymore and I know that the time when they’ll all be strangers is coming along more quickly. About three or four nights ago, I dreamed of him all night and I woke up without heartache, without deep longing. I’m forging ahead, firmly and alone.

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A little inspiration

Watch “Midnight Special” starring Michael Shannon and Kirsten Dunst for just a great sci-fi and “religious” experience (if you’ve ever seen “Cloud Atlas” and enjoyed it so will you enjoy this one, too). I remember being told that spiritual energy, the human soul, never dies. It just goes out and becomes something else in the next stage of life. My grandmother promised she’d always watch over and for me: my destiny is not yet done. Some people come into this world already possessing this transformation and it’s their burden to figure out the next steps without causing harm, without sinning against the balance of life and death. Try that one on when you’re just grasping your fourth language in as many years making up your life.

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Mine

*Written 1/3/2017 when it was one of those infrequent days I could convince myself and my heart that it’s okay we’re not together in the here and now…maybe another lifetime when he’s stronger and more confident and I have the patience, nay, the strength to wait without knowing what’s in store. When he’s sorted himself out and I’ve forgotten who we were… when we meet, the same fireworks display, then, we become one again. Any sooner and I know it’d be much like this scene for myself because I still feel like this, still feel you whispering in my ear the last time I was in your arms.

Sometimes, I picture you reading, writing, listening to music/movies with your ear buds on while you’re in a Starbucks. I wondered if you were alone when you shot off your last email to me or with someone else by your side, supporting you, because I know how you are when you’re volatile and vulnerable. I wonder if you have the respect to keep away your new ___ from my blog, my little piece of the ‘Net. I wonder if you’ve become strong enough to brave me and my words. Then, I realize it doesn’t matter. These last few months will mean nothing in another year and they’ll be just another two line blurb in the summation of my life; that’s not to say our seven years will be as easy to wash away in a year’s time. The part of my heart that belongs to you begs the rest of me to turn back because it’s never too late. While everyone rushes me to lock down and throw away my memories/our love, I know eventually, I’ll admit it’s too late and walk away forever but in my own time, in my own way. Do you ever think of our happiest times? How can I be you and push something so far from my mind that it blurs until its no more?

When I see you again, I’ll have mine.
You won’t be mine.
I’ll have another love of my own
The career I thought was out of my reach?

Mine now.

When you see me again, love of mine
You won’t see yourself reflected in these bright, happy eyes of mine
The heartache I thought would be forever?

Not mine.

When I see you again, I’ll be a stranger
Give back the pieces that are mine
Puzzle pieces of my heart I gave you
The parts of you-

No longer mine. No longer desired.

When you see me again, I’ll be stronger
I’ll have risen and the world will be mine

When I see you again, I’ll remember
I will know: I don’t need you anymore.

I got minestill getting it all
No longer wounded by your lies.

My Resignation

People would describe me and my work ethic as the non-quitter, innovative, productive and mercurial (if they don’t know me well). I procrastinate because my best work comes under pressure. I’m not overly organized or anally-retentive neat but I’m always aware of the location of anything I need (e.g. pens, paperclips, paper, etc.) in relation to my proximity. I’m very “teach-able” (the exact word my lawyer used) in that I only need to be told once: I’m very malleable if whatever I’m working on includes an ineffective system set-up by my predecessor upon which I am called to reform/a situation calls for change. I strive to please but in that earnestness, I can be taken for granted and have had others take advantage of me/my work ethic. Years of operating a family business have shown me that being productive during slow downs/boredom can go a long way in loving what you do and buying time for recreation each time a task is completed ahead of schedule. With the jobs outside of it, I know my co-workers at Victoria’s Secret thought I was being underhanded (if a promotion was coming up), snobby if I wouldn’t stay and gossip on their down time and a brown-noser for taking up tasks “above my pay grade” (even though nothing really is and I never let it be known that my family owns a business because the hate comes out very quickly if someone thinks of you as not needing a job). “Stay busy and work hard” was the way my mom put it and I have with every job, especially if I have to be on my feet all day. That work ethic permeates almost aspects of my life whether or not I want to examine and admit it. It goes without elaboration that quitting was never spoken of and it never seemed to be an option. Thus, we come to the next chapter that’s become this year’s motif: learning when to give up and completely burn something to the ground.

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One purpose of my life as told by a monk

I should not despair that one facet of my life is to teach someone how to love themselves. What I give of myself and energies, I receive back times three. My heart is quickly mending now that I released so much pent up anger, pain and sadness and refused the negativity any re-entry. I thought I needed Beck and I don’t because what I really feared was losing the parts of him I’ve grown to love: the people and places we’ve been to, memories inside my car (that will soon go the same way as my MidnightMyst) and around Flushing/the city and the cultural blend that was hard fought and hard won. It is enough for me, knowing they chose me over him: something I didn’t expect and didn’t dare hope for because you can never ask family to give up on blood lines. Just knowing they did it once (and everytime I get to see smiles on faces I cherish) was liberating but knowing they make the same choice whenever I hear their voices or fall into their embrace: I’ve never known such unconditional love since my grandmother passed away.

I was afraid I had lost some of the best pieces of myself when Beck told me he was in love with another woman within weeks of professing the same to me. His choice of words when he asked if I would feel betrayed if he went out with this ____ on a day we had habitually saw one another only registered when he called himself out as an asshole ex-boyfriend. He knew what he was doing was wrong but he went ahead anyway and as a monk reminded me, Beck did me a great favor. I am the greatest eagle to grace this planet who cannot be tamed because a tamed American Bald Eagle is a dead one: some creatures were never meant to be penned in by lesser beings. I am the fragile but magnificent monarch butterfly whose 3,000 arduous  migration is one of the Earth’s great wonders and I am the phoenix who lives brilliantly, dies and is reborn without resentment or fear of what it must endure to become light itself.

Ask me what it’s been like to be me again and I will have no words. It’s in my bright smile, laughing eyes and warm embrace. What makes me up is in the trail of turned heads, rhythmic strut of hips and strong thighs, the opened doors and golden opportunities awaiting my arrival. I am a person’s desire to please me, to unabashedly look upon my face and figure for a moment longer and to go above and beyond to service me in any and all ways 😉 The posture of a gymnast, the grace of a ballerina and the strength of a typhoon. The quick wit of a scholar-athlete espousing the wisdom of her elders and peers enmeshed with the wonder and silliness of a naive child. Someone who knows heartache but is willing to keep her own heart open to it time and again for the journey of deep, soulful love/commitment alone.

On Monday, it occured to me that my first love was Jeff, Taiwanese guy, who was his own shit show at age 16. I was in love for the first time and felt like I had to stay when he revealed his suicidal tenancies (it’s the heroine complex much like Beck’s hero’s complex) and we stayed in touch until college. By then, I had already dated two other guys and guy number two would stick around for 7.5 years (to the extent of putting me in the hospital after messing up my face and throat with ugly bruising and lacerations). In parallel with my ex, Chris, I would meet Jed and it’s here where I began falling deeply in love with someone. Jed was a philanderer who shared my high intellect/drive but he had the heart of an artist/musician, too. The stories he would write about us, the poetry he’d share or dedicate to me would make me swoon so hard, I didn’t notice my feet had left the ground. Jed would be the first lover to touch my body in ways I still crave – it’s a sensuality I haven’t come across as often or as intensely as I’d like. Our bodies would literally move as one and it took me 5 years to get over him (though not ever completely). I see a hazy pattern running through my relationships founded on love: Jeff (first love), Chris (rebound/stable love), Jed (soulful love), Beck (jury is still out) and Mr. X (true love) but being that I can’t paint a detailed picture, who’s to say I know what I’m talking about?

What do a pilot, chef, two musicians, two writers, a pharmacist, doctor, nurse, dentist, four financial advisors/investors, two teachers, one law enforcement official, two advertisers, three artists (graphic and traditional), one lawyer, one programmer, one engineer and three sole proprietors have in common (aside from wanting me to choose only one of them)? A willingness to fall in love and take on this world with me as their mate for as long as we both shall live 😉 I promise, I have good stories coming up on the dates I’ve endured for your amusement, cheri!

An open letter to New Suitors

I could tell you all there is to know about me, the soup to nuts but I know you won’t listen and retain all of it. I could tell you what makes me tick (in bed, the kitchen, public settings, etc.) but it wouldn’t matter because you’d superimpose what you wanted of me, eventually if not secretly. I could tell you how I’m not ready for anything new because my 6.5 year relationship was recently terminated sixty days ago and I need to sort through the emotional baggage my ex left me holding when he went to get a new P.O.A. I could tell you I need time for me because I refuse to become involved with someone new if the baggage has every chance of hurting a stranger who doesn’t deserve it. I could tell you it all but I know the futility of it because it’s happened before, it’s happening now and will continue in the future for as long as I am single.

You’re going to fall for me very quickly and most likely, you’re going to fall hard. I’m great at listening and entertaining but that won’t be the draw. I can dress up to the nines and look like I just stepped out of a page in Vogue. I can dress down and look like I jumped out of a Nike ad. But those won’t be the draw: I glow, I know I do and I radiate when I’m happiest or on the prowl. You’ll feel like you’ve known me forever or at least, that you’ve spent that time looking for me. Yes, I’m eloquent with words which you will find strikes your heart and soul very deeply  – I have been blessed with this ability all my life (from childhood to now, as hard as it is to believe. I’ve been told hundreds of times that I must be “an old soul.”) My intuitive and inquisitive nature is not uncommon: it’s the fact that I’ve remained hopeful and can still be vulnerable that makes me awesome and wholesome and you’ll try to figure me out when there’s nothing to figure out. Those hours of conversation, over the phone, the net, Skype, will make you insistent on seeing me or seeing more of me, much more often than I’m willing to give so early on. I’m not playing hard to get or being a snob: I’m giving you a genuine answer and requesting that you respect my boundaries. I know I’m very easy to talk to and it’s enjoyable: it’s called having social skills, being poised and knowledgeable. That je-ne-sais-quoi feeling you’re getting is magnetic, I know and I pity you if this is the first time or only second (whatever minuscule amount) that you’re really connecting with another person. Please don’t be angry or become resentful if I don’t return the affection. You see, you’re not the only one in my life who feels that way towards and around me; before I let you into my inner circle, I have to know what you’re like at your worst and best and those things take time. Be patient.

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117This was us

I’m sorry I hurt you to the point of  being unable to stay in touch. You’d been pushing me away all year and more forcefully and cruelly than ever starting in August but not owning it until I made you. Would you really try to deny that by trying to push me into the arms of another man, sexually, you weren’t setting me up/creating an excuse to leave our relationship? Because that’s what it felt like and I intuitively rejected it. God, if I had felt it any other way I would have given in but I felt the distance between us. You’re right, I built walls and when we reconciled last year, I wasn’t sure if they should come down because I was trying to work out and separate feelings of abandonment, distrust and weariness. I was just starting to find me again after all the time spent bending to your will, conceding to you and unsure if you, who you were becoming/have become, were the person I fell in love with. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I was trying to catch up to you on a clean way of living because I didn’t want to fail you or dash any hopes. You know I’m not good when I’m pushed to agree on something – it had to come in at my pace. You have a way of talking to your loved ones in an overbearing tone sometimes and your expectation that they become what you want, do what you want, see and think as you do and follow your lead blindly wasn’t the right way to do things; your approach to certain topics could come off as zealous and I know I wasn’t the only one to notice or the first to experience the pressure. You could be a hypocrite sometimes but so could I; you made me doubt and double check myself and then became angry when I couldn’t form the sentences to express myself with all you interrupt. You think you argue in a rational manner but you don’t always do that. You cut in, concentrate on little expressions or sentence arrangement and disrupt the thoughts of me or any of the people you love and in little ways, redirect the argument and then, blame it on someone else. I know you say *I* did that and I did sometimes. However, my bafflement wasn’t/isn’t one sided. I’m more sure of that than anything else you could say to make me doubt myself.

I didn’t want to fight with you on Wednesday night but you can’t help yourself in dragging people down with you. You like fighting even if you profess the drain you feel, I can tell you get off on it. You’ve said so as much, when we were in more lucid times, how you feel powerful you feel and how much you enjoy “sticking it” to someone(s). I’m not saying these things to hurt you but to make you see your own behavior. My talks with your siblings leads me to believe you’ve been a grudge holder and vindictive most of your life and it makes me sad for you. I wanted peace between us and I think you behave like a jerk to drive me away b/c you think things will get better that way. It couldn’t be anymore worse of a choice and action to play out to think you can outrun the parts of your soul I share. You didn’t really want to reconcile last year – I was still locked out and slapped down when you wouldn’t admit something else was bothering you or you were upset with someone; I had to dig and  dig while taking the backlash until you would come up with your discontent/grievance that I sensed. I’m guilty of the same thing and why I never held it against you if you could keep an argument from spiraling into name calling and baseless accusations… if you could keep from breaking up with me everytime when you know it was the most painful of words you could cut me with. Fuck, I still love you and I still forgive you! I’m wrestling with my friends and my conscience and my pride and morals: everything saying to let go for my health, my benefit but they don’t account for the pieces of my heart and soul I would have to lose, too! I wish I knew how to quit you and I know the Universe is still spinning around the stars you and I are in our own galaxy. Eventually, I will consume the spiritual energy I released and gave to you – it’ll come back times three. Where another, a better you (but not you, if you know what I mean) will join me and that place of friendship will be swallowed into the abyss.

I wish I knew how to stop loving you in all ways, then I wouldn’t miss you, I wouldn’t dream of you. I wouldn’t miss you as horribly as I do. I stayed without you asking, I stayed when you asked and I’m staying here again with an offer of future support. You’re right, we can’t be just friends – our souls were fused together and denying our love and attraction to one another wouldn’t have lasted long.What I discovered in the last month about long-term relationships and being in love and loving someone waxes and wanes in it because it takes energy to love (that might explain your hunger around me), contained or not. It’s a natural cycle and feeling the intensity diminish a little can be taken as a breaking relationship or “falling out of love.” I thought I knew what I was talking about when I told you, many times before, that the hardest thing to learn is the difference between loving someone and being in love; I thought I knew all there was to know based on my relationship experience but I’ve been corrected by more wise people. The marriages that last the longest acknowledge this cycle and the love never leaves, the connection never dies. I really wanted having you in my life to work out b/c I need you to be happy and if a different relationship is what will make you so, then I want you to know it’s okay that you’re with someone else. I won’t keep you back, I won’t ask for you back and I won’t be in the picture.

A big part of me wants to be available to you in anyway you might need me in the future but I know, in the game of love and soulmates, that it’s winner takes it all. All of you and me or none at all. I know if I leave a door open for you, I could regret it but once I decide to drop someone, discover they’re not worth my time or developing quickly enough to be a beneficial friend, the doors and windows slam shut permanently. I’m not as angry anymore (that’s one area, at least, where I am not a turtle in digesting, analyzing and coming to a solution/conclusion) and- the latent anger after last year’s break up needed an outlet that you wouldn’t provide (at least, that’s the way I saw and felt it) popped like a balloon. The remaining angst is the reason I hurt you and unintentionally because I wouldn’t answer to the pain in my heart. The pain overwhelmed my ability to think and form cohesive thoughts, solutions and to see things from a clear perspective. If we had hashed it out, which I know you didn’t want to do because you’d deflect/change the topic yourself, we wouldn’t be here right now. If you hadn’t hardlined me into silence and knocking me down everytime I tried to step up and apologize, I wouldn’t have been so scared of losing you after every little spat and over the big, overblown fights. It’s not your fault because I should have done it anyway (kept at you for a discussion… that may have backfired depending on your frame of mind) and we still might have ended up here, but at least we would have known/learned something.

I keep having this dream that we’re together with kids but maybe it’s not you and more my soulmate; my head simply uses you as a placeholder. In the dreams, we have these conversations akin to what we had in the beginning continuing until, and this is only my estimate, 2014 is pinpointed as the year a lot changed for you. Kris was serving his time, Stephane moved away and you moved to a new home with its own complications. We spent too much time in NJ houses brimming with stress, depression, anger/resentment and dysfunction. Our happy bubble shrunk until it popped because our happy place was always with each other, alone and doing our thing; NOT being influenced or bombarded with familial strain/tension, the disrespect of boundaries/responsibilities and general communication failure (that wasn’t our problem, individually or as a couple). It was a nearly impossible task to lift Beck out of his depression sometimes and if I was stressed/having an off day,  our state of minds collided and created issues. If I kept things tightly wrapped up in me, it was because Beck couldn’t handle me and there were times it seemed that there was no room for my issues. I would have gone to him if I felt he would be receptive but I got shot down way too often; even now, I want to reach him but I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, be around me and I’ve finally learned to give him so much space that he drifted away completely. I think he was full of shit when he said he was still in love with me 4 weeks ago but it doesn’t matter in the bigger picture: he’s still gone. I’m equivocally dead to him. He never got or took the chance to know me which is why I wish I could reset the clock. I wanted to be known, deeply and wholly – Beck and I are nearly identical at this juncture. My soul says we’re locked together but I’m hoping the Universe will let that unravel. There was a lot of stress being relieved in my dreams from our chats, positive feelings that were palatable and the Universe emphasized again and again that we had to meet. Unlike Beck, I’ve met many people who share qualities and experiences that I thought only I had and connected with them. I can’t explain the odd coincidences of chance meetings, unbelievable experiences and the fact Destiny has wrapped me up and guided everything that I wanted my way. He has needed more friends, more confidantes since he began cutting/shunning people from his life – it was really rough on me that he relied so heavily and solely on me for support, fun, compassion, etc. I bore it out of unconditional love for Beck but it did take its toll. I kept pushing him to socialize and to grow: I don’t regret it even when it’s meant we can’t be together right now (or ever?). He’s the man I know he can be if he just let go of his anger and spite.

I hope you read this someday and can feel the sincerity of my well wishes, that you’ll hear an echo of our love if we’re years and decades apart. Seven years gone and the years of friendship that I regret losing. Most of these journal entries prior to this will be/are moot points but I’d prefer having conversations one on one instead of being misread if there’s a desire for clarity. I’m feeling like my bright, bouncy self again and I know only good things are in store for me as I hope they are for you. We’re getting to the end of these entries where I’m reaching the turnaround time to walk away forever and I told you they will disappear into oblivion/be erased. I’m fine and I’m reminded of it everyday by loving individuals who are letting me unload the emotional/mental burden and financial stress Beck put me through (not frequently but it seemed like he targeted specific times when he knew I was vulnerable).

Just last night, I hit up a strip club with a friend and his brother AFTER meeting at a different bar. They tricked me into going when I insisted we weren’t b/c my buddy needs to save his cash. They have matching smirks and offered playful apologies when they saw the look on my face when we entered: I was pissed. I couldn’t just leave them there either cause I was the DD and I knew hundreds of dollars would be blown if I left or I didn’t keep his wallet. I enjoyed taking away half the amount retrieved from the ATM and shaking my head as more than the half I let him hold onto disappeared in 8 minutes, not even kidding! I know he was trying to butter up the bartender (who was very pretty and you couldn’t tell that just 6 months prior, she was pregnant) because he never called her back. When guys bring a girl to a strip club, it’s to discourage the strippers they don’t care for because BOTH of them referred to my as their girlfriend like we were in some twisted TV reality show. I played along initially until I nearly killed his brother when he took himself a little too seriously in his drunken state and forced himself on me at the club. The little fucker was throwing money at the girls instead of being more polite and was trying to make it a game where he treated their breasts and thongs like basketball hoops. One stripper had enough of the kid (who pounded 5 shots of Jameson in one hour) and started telling him off but he thought he was being cute by being MORE disrespectful. That’s when we left just as the bouncers were coming our way. But the best part of the night was the way the women flocked to me without me doing any work. I have never had a difficult time attracting men and women to me (it’s that sexuality that roils off and around me and for which I have no control) and my best friend knows it: which is why he also enjoys watching it happen and being there next to me getting in on any action, LOL! I know I sound full of myself but if you ever want to tag along and experience it for yourself, hit me up with an email or however you get to my journal entries ^_^

Last night, it was the first time I’ve eaten well since Beck and I broke up. I’ve lost close to 15-17 lbs. and if someone asks what my secret is, I tell them it’s called “My break up diet” where I become extremely nauseous when food is in my face. I know it’s the tension and stress making me tighten up all my muscles so there’s no room left for food in my belly. I see “my breakup diet” as a positive but it’s not for everyone. It’s also a good test run of what I’ll feel in med school and show me how long my Crohn’s will remain in remission/not be an issue. After all, my last year at Buffalo was derailed by severe episodes of ulcerative colitis that ultimately became chronic while my semester credits, job as nanny/tutor and apartment upkeep/utility bills needed attention. So far, I’m hanging really well in and I look friggin awesome! My Lucky Brand jeans/clothing help exude my sexiness as does the lingerie under it all ;o)

 

 

To me

Edit on 9/23/16 at noon: “It’s easy to love someone during their best, organized and polished moments; it’s at their worst ones, you’re shown how dependable and resilient their love will be.” Beck was never as strong as me or as strong as I needed him. I want his anger to dissipate and for that sense of balance to remain because he can’t stop hurting himself. I know trying to cut ties from him is bullshit b/c the Universe demands something else. I’m prepared to forgive and really forget this time. Love flows around me from everyone and everything and I’m letting it flow through me, to let my soul find nourishment. I’ll need it for what’s ahead and it won’t be pretty but I know I have the resilience to follow through. I’m stronger than I know and Beck could, too, if he kept/keeps fasting and stays on the diet that works for him/allows for deeper meditation.

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Am I beholden to him?

Do I have to remain his keeper (of our memories, his parents, seven years of his life)? Did I really have to reimburse him for meeting up with me to return to one another personal property? He’s moved on and so have I; then why won’t this thread break? He’s not the guy I met back in 2009 and I say it to myself everyday so I can stop loving him. The man I met wouldn’t set out to hurt his family members (though some may have deserved it). Beck isn’t who I fell in love with and the bitterness over a lost year will fade just like Chris, just like Jed. The man I loved wasn’t selfish but I have to learn to be selfish, too. How else to stop loving a man who no longer exists and how long do I punish myself for loving and supporting him? Is he really so different now that I can’t say I know him well at all: that he’s become a stranger by keeping me at arm’s length? I’m deluding myself by refusing to accept that there won’t be an anniversary to celebrate in Nov., because Beck won’t be there, will he? I had planned for us to go on a 7 day Caribbean cruise, which he’s never been, with the money I’ve saved up (I broke through my $3,000 goal!). He apologized for the time wasted and how “I bet on the wrong horse (Beck).” The man I knew wasn’t deceptive and he promised to love me, to stay in love with me, as I made the same promise to him.

Continue reading “Am I beholden to him?”