The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return! ~Moulin Rouge
Below are frozen frames of moments that I need to carry with me and that I need to share. I think it’s a good time to change things up ^_^ No more burden on my heart and soul, no more overthinking things.
At temple –
Me: I’ve lost my way and I don’t know how to be anymore.
Monk: We must keep the mind pure and release all emotion – no more sadness in your eyes, no more hurt in your heart; deeper and slower breaths from your lungs; repair the vessel that holds a gentle but powerful soul. Be one with the Universe, freely and wholly, as you were before and can be again. Be as your grandmother would have been when she was alive and now, is in Nirvana.
Me: I can’t – I’m afraid of losing myself.
Monk: Let that go, too. Regret is a greedy beast that will sap of you clarity, strength and purity. Focus, focus on the bubble and place within it, everything. Life is suffering. But suffering does not have to make up your life.
Me: I’m scared if I let go I won’t find my way back. I’m scared I won’t want what I discover even if I do.
Monk: Inhale and exhale. Enjoy the feeling of the air being taken into your lungs and the released pressure when you let it go. Raise your head, straighten your back and kowtow your most abbreviated bows to Buddha, your honorable parents and the Dali Llama. Your journey does not end here.
Me: The journey is lonely-
Monk: No! You are not alone. You are never alone. She is with you, she has always been with you. You are her favored, you are her copy and you are the greatest gift to those around you. Do not give up now. Do not fear tomorrow.
Me (crying): I’m so tired. Even a rock can be worn down…
Monk: Do you accept that there are consequences for every action, thought and we are judged for what we have done, not done? We will be measured against everything we chose to do and say, think and feel. Do you accept that you may just have to leave things as they lie and pursue no more? NO matter how little, how small peace is, it is still peace. Understand?
Me: Yes, I accept. Come what may, I will play my part and do what is willed.
Monk: Be like the greatest sculptor on Earth, be your element – be like water.
(there’s more to this coming)
William: Do you ever regret?
Me: I try to regret very little.
William: I can feel your pain over your relationship and ex. You’re very interesting and you have a big effect on everything around you.
William: Come away with me to Bali, Fiji, wherever as long as there’s a beach and you’ll be happy.
Me: I need time. I met you 3 days ago and I understand you see me as a summation of everything you’ve been searching for: we share the same culture, the same dialect, I’m as Americanized as you, we’re extremely Type-A people and I know you find me breath-taking. But I would be doing you a great disservice to let you place all your chips on me and it would be wrong to do to your ex-gf/fiancee.
K: Do you think Beck felt emasculated by your strength and independence?
Me: It would be odd for that to be the case since my independence and sassy/bubbly attitude was his draw to me.
K: Do you think that could have been the case since he hasn’t provided the way he did in the beginning?
Me: Maybe but again, I never thought less of him as a man or individual – it was just a slump that he’d get out of and he’d taken care of me before! I didn’t pester him to get a job – I was just always concerned about his well-being!
K: Okay, but again – you recognize that work brings stress and that stress is released in a myriad of ways. You could have been short with him or distant and not been as aware/sensitive to his needs?
Me: …yes. I remember each time and I learned to temper my shortness- I just want to be able to say, “Show me you’re better than me. I need someone to look up to, to be my inspiration. I want someone to be waiting when I reach the pinnacle of human refinement.”
K: Maybe he thought he was no longer worthy of you and jumping the gun into a new relationship was his way of letting you find someone better. You know, every one older than you here knows, the relationship is a ticking time bomb.
Me: Stop, I don’t wish heartache on him because I’m going through it. My anger speaks volumes and loudly but once it dissipates, I truly have no idea what I was enraged about.
K: It’s not willing harm/bad to come to Beck but a reality check – you cannot enter a new relationship without settling the issues of the last one. The other chick’s moral compass is off, sweetheart. Every spurned woman will tell you that.
Me: I’m not spurned. I’ve had my dates and done my share of widening the distance…
K: Listen, when it dissolves, will you be there for Beck when he’s taken you for granted and further harmed/hurt you by acting out like that?!
Me: The better person in me says yes
(audible groan from every man and woman in the room)
K (eyeroll): Oh good, God! She’s still naive and hopeful
The priority with love should be to find one’s self, be secure in that self then, find their soulmate while making sure the people and world around them is better because you choose to make it that way. I’ve put myself in danger numerous times (pulling over to help a man with his stalled vehicle on the parkway and giving the stranger a ride to where he needed to be, helping a lost elderly woman who was confused and couldn’t find her way home after missing a turn on her walk from the Home Goods store [she also said she didn’t have money for a cab, didn’t have a cellphone and couldn’t remember her son’s address: it felt like a bad set up since there were stories going around about people being robbed/hurt while being a good Samaritan. Still, I made the decision to drive her home based on her memory of certain landmarks because I think most people deserve the benefit of the doubt. I’m still alive and so is she.], called in dangerous and meandering drivers to the correct police agency because I’ve witnessed what happens when people pass the buck on taking responsibility when I was an EMT: you scrape people off asphalt, glass and metal and I’ve stayed when I should have left for my own well being. Desiring to be selfless and helpful is a call people should be answering more quickly and frequently.
CH: You’re still so beautiful and full of that vitality everyone at UCLA would watch.
Me: Stop it!
CH: I don’t think you see yourself the way any person or any crowd does. People make way for you and they turn to watch you long after you’re gone. You prowl and strut, you don’t walk and you don’t wait.
Me: Trying to sing the song in my heart back to me?
CH: Nobody knows better than I do that you don’t need to be reminded. The sweetest song in your heart is something only you and one or two people will ever know and learn. So what? You’re a little battered and a bit tired but we all sense the tigress in you. We know better than to incur your wrath!
Me (laughing): Am I still that terrifying?
CH: Oh, hell yeah! D, you know the perfect person for you is searching high and low. He or she is following the trail of broken hearts, sexual energy and enlightened form your activities take on. Beck is but another drop of water in the ocean but you, you are the day’s eye ;o)
Me: I’m finding my way back to my patch of sunshine and I know I’m on the right track by staying single because I can feel the warmth of who I used to be and who I’ve become.
CH: Damn, straight! Throw that head back and ROOOOAR!