Time Progresses

How is it already March of 2017! Class is kicking my butt and today is midterms. Next week is Spring Break! I had planned on going to Hong Kong with my buddy but too short of notice for him (plus, the Dept. of State denied him a pass to go).

I’m beginning to see my ex in the same light as my loved ones (friends, too) do since our break-up. If they see me weakening, they firmly remind me that he still hasn’t apologized, hasn’t “manned up” and isn’t worth my love, my time. Six months is up (a deadline they set up) and I’m still standing, he’s still hiding. I know if I willed it so, he and I would cross paths but I haven’t wanted it on an unconscious level. It’s been a difficult task to do in staying away from his parents and pug on a conscious level; be proud of me, though, for having not seen them in over two months and having no contact for four weeks. There is no place for me in the lives which revolve around my ex: it’s been taken by another. The knowledge isn’t crippling anymore and I know that the time when they’ll all be strangers is coming along more quickly. About three or four nights ago, I dreamed of him all night and I woke up without heartache, without deep longing. I’m forging ahead, firmly and alone.

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A little inspiration

Watch “Midnight Special” starring Michael Shannon and Kirsten Dunst for just a great sci-fi and “religious” experience (if you’ve ever seen “Cloud Atlas” and enjoyed it so will you enjoy this one, too). I remember being told that spiritual energy, the human soul, never dies. It just goes out and becomes something else in the next stage of life. My grandmother promised she’d always watch over and for me: my destiny is not yet done. Some people come into this world already possessing this transformation and it’s their burden to figure out the next steps without causing harm, without sinning against the balance of life and death. Try that one on when you’re just grasping your fourth language in as many years making up your life.

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One purpose of my life as told by a monk

I should not despair that one facet of my life is to teach someone how to love themselves. What I give of myself and energies, I receive back times three. My heart is quickly mending now that I released so much pent up anger, pain and sadness and refused the negativity any re-entry. I thought I needed Beck and I don’t because what I really feared was losing the parts of him I’ve grown to love: the people and places we’ve been to, memories inside my car (that will soon go the same way as my MidnightMyst) and around Flushing/the city and the cultural blend that was hard fought and hard won. It is enough for me, knowing they chose me over him: something I didn’t expect and didn’t dare hope for because you can never ask family to give up on blood lines. Just knowing they did it once (and everytime I get to see smiles on faces I cherish) was liberating but knowing they make the same choice whenever I hear their voices or fall into their embrace: I’ve never known such unconditional love since my grandmother passed away.

I was afraid I had lost some of the best pieces of myself when Beck told me he was in love with another woman within weeks of professing the same to me. His choice of words when he asked if I would feel betrayed if he went out with this ____ on a day we had habitually saw one another only registered when he called himself out as an asshole ex-boyfriend. He knew what he was doing was wrong but he went ahead anyway and as a monk reminded me, Beck did me a great favor. I am the greatest eagle to grace this planet who cannot be tamed because a tamed American Bald Eagle is a dead one: some creatures were never meant to be penned in by lesser beings. I am the fragile but magnificent monarch butterfly whose 3,000 arduous  migration is one of the Earth’s great wonders and I am the phoenix who lives brilliantly, dies and is reborn without resentment or fear of what it must endure to become light itself.

Ask me what it’s been like to be me again and I will have no words. It’s in my bright smile, laughing eyes and warm embrace. What makes me up is in the trail of turned heads, rhythmic strut of hips and strong thighs, the opened doors and golden opportunities awaiting my arrival. I am a person’s desire to please me, to unabashedly look upon my face and figure for a moment longer and to go above and beyond to service me in any and all ways 😉 The posture of a gymnast, the grace of a ballerina and the strength of a typhoon. The quick wit of a scholar-athlete espousing the wisdom of her elders and peers enmeshed with the wonder and silliness of a naive child. Someone who knows heartache but is willing to keep her own heart open to it time and again for the journey of deep, soulful love/commitment alone.

On Monday, it occured to me that my first love was Jeff, Taiwanese guy, who was his own shit show at age 16. I was in love for the first time and felt like I had to stay when he revealed his suicidal tenancies (it’s the heroine complex much like Beck’s hero’s complex) and we stayed in touch until college. By then, I had already dated two other guys and guy number two would stick around for 7.5 years (to the extent of putting me in the hospital after messing up my face and throat with ugly bruising and lacerations). In parallel with my ex, Chris, I would meet Jed and it’s here where I began falling deeply in love with someone. Jed was a philanderer who shared my high intellect/drive but he had the heart of an artist/musician, too. The stories he would write about us, the poetry he’d share or dedicate to me would make me swoon so hard, I didn’t notice my feet had left the ground. Jed would be the first lover to touch my body in ways I still crave – it’s a sensuality I haven’t come across as often or as intensely as I’d like. Our bodies would literally move as one and it took me 5 years to get over him (though not ever completely). I see a hazy pattern running through my relationships founded on love: Jeff (first love), Chris (rebound/stable love), Jed (soulful love), Beck (jury is still out) and Mr. X (true love) but being that I can’t paint a detailed picture, who’s to say I know what I’m talking about?

What do a pilot, chef, two musicians, two writers, a pharmacist, doctor, nurse, dentist, four financial advisors/investors, two teachers, one law enforcement official, two advertisers, three artists (graphic and traditional), one lawyer, one programmer, one engineer and three sole proprietors have in common (aside from wanting me to choose only one of them)? A willingness to fall in love and take on this world with me as their mate for as long as we both shall live 😉 I promise, I have good stories coming up on the dates I’ve endured for your amusement, cheri!

Pep Talks: Roar, Tigriess!

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return! ~Moulin Rouge

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Below are frozen frames of moments that I need to carry with me and that I need to share. I think it’s a good time to change things up ^_^ No more burden on my heart and soul, no more overthinking things.

At temple –

Me: I’ve lost my way and I don’t know how to be anymore.

Monk: We must keep the mind pure and release all emotion – no more sadness in your eyes, no more hurt in your heart; deeper and slower breaths from your lungs; repair the vessel that holds a gentle but powerful soul. Be one with the Universe, freely and wholly, as you were before and can be again. Be as your grandmother would have been when she was alive and now, is in Nirvana.

Me: I can’t – I’m afraid of losing myself.

Monk: Let that go, too. Regret is a greedy beast that will sap of you clarity, strength and purity. Focus, focus on the bubble and place within it, everything. Life is suffering. But suffering does not have to make up your life.

Me: I’m scared if I let go I won’t find my way back. I’m scared I won’t want what I discover even if I do.

Monk: Inhale and exhale. Enjoy the feeling of the air being taken into your lungs and the released pressure when you let it go. Raise your head, straighten your back and kowtow your most abbreviated bows to Buddha, your honorable parents and the Dali Llama. Your journey does not end here.

Me: The journey is lonely-

Monk: No! You are not alone. You are never alone. She is with you, she has always been with you. You are her favored, you are her copy and you are the greatest gift to those around you. Do not give up now. Do not fear tomorrow.

Me (crying): I’m so tired. Even a rock can be worn down…

Monk: Do you accept that there are consequences for every action, thought and we are judged for what we have done, not done? We will be measured against everything we chose to do and say, think and feel. Do you accept that you may just have to leave things as they lie and pursue no more? NO matter how little, how small peace is, it is still peace. Understand?

Me: Yes, I accept. Come what may, I will play my part and do what is willed.

Monk: Be like the greatest sculptor on Earth, be your element – be like water.

(there’s more to this coming)
**********

William: Do you ever regret?
Me: I try to regret very little.
William: I can feel your pain over your relationship and ex. You’re very interesting and you have a big effect on everything around you.
Me: True…
William: Come away with me to Bali, Fiji, wherever as long as there’s a beach and you’ll be happy.
Me: I need time. I met you 3 days ago and I understand you see me as a summation of everything you’ve been searching for: we share the same culture, the same dialect, I’m as Americanized as you, we’re extremely Type-A people and I know you find me breath-taking. But I would be doing you a great disservice to let you place all your chips on me and it would be wrong to do to your ex-gf/fiancee.
***********

K: Do you think Beck felt emasculated by your strength and independence?

Me: It would be odd for that to be the case since my independence and sassy/bubbly attitude was his draw to me.

K: Do you think that could have been the case since he hasn’t provided the way he did in the beginning?

Me: Maybe but again, I never thought less of him as a man or individual – it was just a slump that he’d get out of and he’d taken care of me before! I didn’t pester him to get a job – I was just always concerned about his well-being!

K: Okay, but again – you recognize that work brings stress and that stress is released in a myriad of ways. You could have been short with him or distant and not been as aware/sensitive to his needs?

Me: …yes. I remember each time and I learned to temper my shortness- I just want to be able to say, “Show me you’re better than me. I need someone to look up to, to be my inspiration. I want someone to be waiting when I reach the pinnacle of human refinement.”

K: Maybe he thought he was no longer worthy of you and jumping the gun into a new relationship was his way of letting you find someone better. You know, every one older than you here knows, the relationship is a ticking time bomb.

Me: Stop, I don’t wish heartache on him because I’m going through it. My anger speaks volumes and loudly but once it dissipates, I truly have no idea what I was enraged about.

K: It’s not willing harm/bad to come to Beck but a reality check – you cannot enter a new relationship without settling the issues of the last one. The other chick’s moral compass is off, sweetheart. Every spurned woman will tell you that.

Me: I’m not spurned. I’ve had my dates and done my share of widening the distance…

K: Listen, when it dissolves, will you be there for Beck when he’s taken you for granted and further harmed/hurt you by acting out like that?!

Me: The better person in me says yes
(audible groan from every man and woman in the room)

K (eyeroll): Oh good, God! She’s still naive and hopeful

*********

The priority with love should be to find one’s self, be secure in that self then, find their soulmate while making sure the people and world around them is better because you choose to make it that way. I’ve put myself in danger numerous times (pulling over to help a man with his stalled vehicle on the parkway and giving the stranger a ride to where he needed to be, helping a lost elderly woman who was confused and couldn’t find her way home after missing a turn on her walk from the Home Goods store [she also said she didn’t have money for a cab, didn’t have a cellphone and couldn’t remember her son’s address: it felt like a bad set up since there were stories going around about people being robbed/hurt while being a good Samaritan. Still, I made the decision to drive her home based on her memory of certain landmarks because I think most people deserve the benefit of the doubt. I’m still alive and so is she.], called in dangerous and meandering drivers to the correct police agency because I’ve witnessed what happens when people pass the buck on taking responsibility when I was an EMT: you scrape people off asphalt, glass and metal and I’ve stayed when I should have left for my own well being. Desiring to be selfless and helpful is a call people should be answering more quickly and frequently.

************

CH: You’re still so beautiful and full of that vitality everyone at UCLA would watch.

Me: Stop it!

CH: I don’t think you see yourself the way any person or any crowd does. People make way for you and they turn to watch you long after you’re gone. You prowl and strut, you don’t walk and you don’t wait.

Me: Trying to sing the song in my heart back to me?

CH: Nobody knows better than I do that you don’t need to be reminded. The sweetest song in your heart is something only you and one or two people will ever know and learn. So what? You’re a little battered and a bit tired but we all sense the tigress in you. We know better than to incur your wrath!

Me (laughing): Am I still that terrifying?

CH: Oh, hell yeah! D, you know the perfect person for you is searching high and low. He or she is following the trail of broken hearts, sexual energy and enlightened form your activities take on. Beck is but another drop of water in the ocean but you, you are the day’s eye ;o)

Me: I’m finding my way back to my patch of sunshine and I know I’m on the right track by staying single because I can feel the warmth of who I used to be and who I’ve become.

CH: Damn, straight! Throw that head back and ROOOOAR!

The first to unconditional love

I have this fantasy where Beck and I can get past our bullshit and stay friendly. I know, for him, it’s really difficult to see my face (the one he claims he fell in love with instantly) and be in my presence where my sexuality is powerful (I don’t get to control that). I remember he said that there’s so much magnetic energy between us, we didn’t know what to do about it but I did. I placed that energy into helping him discover the man he is right now, picking him up when he was down/confused, giving him everything he asked of me that was in my power and supporting/agreeing with him on many things I normally wouldn’t budge on. He’s still got a ways to go and I wanted to be there to enjoy the end product. He owes me a lot and he can’t even give me his friendship. I was the first to offer him unconditional love and it did wonders for him.

Continue reading “The first to unconditional love”

To me

Edit on 9/23/16 at noon: “It’s easy to love someone during their best, organized and polished moments; it’s at their worst ones, you’re shown how dependable and resilient their love will be.” Beck was never as strong as me or as strong as I needed him. I want his anger to dissipate and for that sense of balance to remain because he can’t stop hurting himself. I know trying to cut ties from him is bullshit b/c the Universe demands something else. I’m prepared to forgive and really forget this time. Love flows around me from everyone and everything and I’m letting it flow through me, to let my soul find nourishment. I’ll need it for what’s ahead and it won’t be pretty but I know I have the resilience to follow through. I’m stronger than I know and Beck could, too, if he kept/keeps fasting and stays on the diet that works for him/allows for deeper meditation.

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J’ai desolee, Beck (updated)

If all the good things you’ve wished for me, I have obtained, then why do you lash out? Yes, I’m seeing people (there was ever only two different guys I told you about and not the guys you assumed) who are more hung than you, who are more settled and along in their careers. Yes, they have more money, charm and intelligence but they haven’t replaced you. You’re horrible at reading me – you have been for a while. I’m sorry you were aroused by a snippet of something I mentioned – I thought it wouldn’t be too much info since it was in the same vein of showing you that I’ve moved on. If I can inference/take that you love and are in love with someone else in 4 weeks, then why can’t you just listen and be happy that I really don’t want you anymore? You know I’m not the jealous type, though it seems like you’ve picked up that bad trait again. Jealousy is envy covered in a ball of malice, coveting someone/something else and it’s not healthy. Envy would be healthy since it’s an admittance of desire/admiration.

I laid out a very simple plan to stay friendly with you and the first was promising to move no farther than friendship. YOU even stated a desire for friendship before we met up in Hicksville, but you make it sound like I manipulated/seduced you into it when we both know I didn’t. You’ve always been more negative/pessimistic than me and your pride is your downfall, thinking that I would actually seduce and want you back. Your dick is filthy in my eyes and if you had given me a kiss on the cheek as hello or goodbye, you know you would have seen my hand sanitizer all over the place! I don’t want you and for whatever, that seems to hurt you when you’re the one in another relationship. You think we’ll continue hurting each other if we remained friends but like you said, if you assume it will happen, it will. I think we wouldn’t have based on how we learned to adapt to each other and get passed issues. This is where I stop though – the way you hurt me all over again last night is unforgivable. Everytime you needed me, I was there and no questions asked. I’m so tired of you being the reason I cry. I’m tired of watching you hurt your family and it’s our fault for enabling you to hurt us. I’ll learn to stop loving you and our connection should be diminishing… maybe it’ll hurry along now and where you were in my heart will die, too – it’ll be like I never met you. My mind will dump the memories and thoughts of you as effectively as you threw out our things/life. Your presence and your friendship aren’t necessary in my life: I’ll learn to believe that one day, too.

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Parallels

Beck has admitted he’s in love with the woman he told me he met on OkC (the same place and way we met). He was in love with me the last night we spent together and 2 weeks later he’s in love with her – I don’t know what to think of him and the ease with which he swung from me to her. I’m starting to hate Beck because I’m seeing what my friends and family did see in regards to his treatment of me these last 6-8 weeks. It just occurred to me that I might not want him as a best friend, maybe not even as an acquaintance. How can he not see that he’s repeating history? He said he fell in love with my voice/me the first night we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. We said our first “I love you” within the first week of dating and it came so easily, we couldn’t nail down the day and chose Nov. 7, 2009 as our anniversary because it included the first kiss and romp in bed in Flushing, NY.

He looked me straight in the eye over Skype and told me what I needed to hear to get away from him. God, he was such a coward when he didn’t take the opportunity to tell me that he was committed to someone else when we met Sept.8th. He could only look me in the eye when there’s 60 miles between us and tell me that he’s in love with her (I figured it out when he got huffy over the conversation JP and I had). Beck was stern about not being swayed to change his mind over our breakup and any sexual advance; those sentences brought me back to one of the major flaws Beck has – he jumps to conclusions and sometimes those conclusions come from left field in a different galaxy from ours. I’m a friggin germaphobe and there’s NO WAY I’d risk getting an STD from either of them. To smooth over the fact that there’s never going to be the possibility that we fuck again/alleviate Beck’s fears, I told him about two men I’m casually seeing and some sexual details. It was in vain/too convoluted by my hesitance to keep from revealing too much because he didn’t get it: he thought I was trying to seduce him (the farthest thing from what I was trying to illustrate, which was my sexual needs are being met and then some). I thought by telling him that I’m having some of the best, mind-blowing sex I haven’t had in years, he would be relieved/convinced that I don’t want him. Instead, he went on a guilt trip because he felt wronged/ wasn’t doing right by his gf. That’s parallel number two: he sees a girlfriend as something frail that needs protection and he can be overzealous about it. He’s stopped trying to make new friends which he needs as his childhood ones move on up to adulthood with a mortgage, new address, car payments and other bills. I tried getting him to understand that adults do the hard things, they try to work out friendships/disputes/arguments, they hurt, they make-up and he doesn’t get it. He thinks his method of icing people out is healthy and doesn’t see his own isolation/isolating behavior.

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Am I beholden to him?

Do I have to remain his keeper (of our memories, his parents, seven years of his life)? Did I really have to reimburse him for meeting up with me to return to one another personal property? He’s moved on and so have I; then why won’t this thread break? He’s not the guy I met back in 2009 and I say it to myself everyday so I can stop loving him. The man I met wouldn’t set out to hurt his family members (though some may have deserved it). Beck isn’t who I fell in love with and the bitterness over a lost year will fade just like Chris, just like Jed. The man I loved wasn’t selfish but I have to learn to be selfish, too. How else to stop loving a man who no longer exists and how long do I punish myself for loving and supporting him? Is he really so different now that I can’t say I know him well at all: that he’s become a stranger by keeping me at arm’s length? I’m deluding myself by refusing to accept that there won’t be an anniversary to celebrate in Nov., because Beck won’t be there, will he? I had planned for us to go on a 7 day Caribbean cruise, which he’s never been, with the money I’ve saved up (I broke through my $3,000 goal!). He apologized for the time wasted and how “I bet on the wrong horse (Beck).” The man I knew wasn’t deceptive and he promised to love me, to stay in love with me, as I made the same promise to him.

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Saturday, Sept. 10

He ran his fingers through my hair the way only a man whose heart belonged to one woman for many years knows how to do because she would have taught him if he did not pick up it naturally. Though his heart and memories of the life they shared are broken, some things persist through time as evident by the unconscious rhythm with which he passed his hand through my hair and onto my neck and back, escaping tangles and knots without becoming perturbed.

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