A finder *finds*

A seeker might never finish his journey because then, he would be a Finder.

Let’s start with Valentine’s Day and the debacle of letting someone down gently. The teacher/musician-songwriter actually got on my case about my plans (just staying low key and being with friends) when we had a planned date for Thursday. I’m going to transcribe his litany of words and my texts back. For what it’s worth, I can’t read tone in texts and emails. A handwritten letter or phone call is so much more do-able.

Continue reading “A finder *finds*”

Kinky

Me: You’re dangerously close to me hurting you for calling me a whore-

Him: No! I didn’t use the word whore, just kinky. We’re into kinky sex acts. There’s a difference between practiced skill and mechanical, apathetic movement. Having the first doesn’t reduce you: if anything, it raises your value! I’ve dated many women regardless of their ethnicity, ages, social/economic status, beliefs and backgrounds but I’ve only come across two others like you. Believe me, I know you’re rare and to be kept.

Continue reading “Kinky”

Cowboy

Update (12/7/2016): Forgive this very lazy addendum to the last night (how “last” remains to be seen – I enjoy being in the cross hairs of his scope and being pursued 😉 ) I spent with my cowboy. For now, I have to write him off since my Crohn’s hit me with a double whammy: I got sick over Thanksgiving due to overly rich food, Chinese style, and was rolling downhill kinda slow until the acceleration at his place. I pride myself on being self sufficient, having a pretty frigging high pain tolerance and needing no one’s assistance when I succumb to any/all of my chronic illnesses, all the while keeping a picture of managed health. I forget how bad my situation was back in 2006 when my health has been stabilized these past 3-4 years but holy hell, my cowboy had to drive me in my car home (instead of the ER he was adamant on) and the entire time I’m doing my best not to scream with every bump, pot hole, hard brake or pumped gas pedal but some escape anyway. The cold sweat beading on my head, constant swearing (I’d been watching my potty mouth cause I could see him wince when I was a bit too happily raging about whatever topic) and agony in every breath scared him. I talk to myself in a berating manner to get myself calm and to get through every crashing wave of pain but I’m sure most of his fear came from the image of blood left on his bed and my shrunken state…

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Monologue

The lights are dimmed and the music in the background is some nondescript trance/instrumental type that she enjoys. I’m massaging her drained body and hoping I can release the sexual charge running just under a cloak of doubt, fear and pain. She has a way of twisting her muscles under my hands when I hit those sensitive spots and it’s difficult to ignore the way she groans with pleasurable release. There’s palatable emotion in the air as the highly electric current that is her mind is sorting through the last few months of 2016. She murmurs, “Am I making a mistake? Is it so large as to be un-doable? I hate hurting people.”

Me: “No, you’re following sound advice from all your peers and elders by moving away from Beck. Above all, you’re not hurting your cowboy by enjoying his company and obviously vice versa.”

Continue reading “Monologue”

Trust Fund

Him: No, I don’t understand how “some part of you” will always be in love with your ex. I need all of you. I have to have all of you to myself.

Me: You’re trying to look me in the eye and tell me some part of you doesn’t still love your first gf or first love?

Him: I love my memories of her…

Me (cold stare): …and the college age you still loves her, am I right?

Him: It’s not the same! What I feel for you is nothing I’ve ever experienced!

Me (shaking my head): If I got a grand for everytime I’ve heard that in these last few months…

Him: Why can’t we be exclusive?

Me: Like I told my Texan and I will tell you, again, I’m not ready-

Him: I think you like being a cock tease-

Continue reading “Trust Fund”

I win: it’s that simple

I felt like a jerk standing up someone whose company I enjoyed previously. I was anxious and sexually wound up: I wasn’t sure I could contain myself if I went ahead for another date. My confusion spoke for me when I cancelled on him but my need for physical contact kicked my butt to ask him for another shot at the date . He was game on that cold, extremely windy October night (even hopping into my car to help me find a parking spot).

While we “watched” Minions (terrible movie plot but ADORABLE cast!) at his place, we talked throughout it. He pointed out the places he’d demo’ed in his apartment and the interior design was perfect and very neat. I found it sweet he had his apartment cleaned from top to bottom, knowing I was coming and lit some candles. We killed the lights and I did my best to stay on my end of the couch… until he confessed he’d been wanting to kiss me from the moment we met. Quickly, he grabbed my hands and pulled me close as we straightened our bodies out on that large, comfy couch. I was incredibly tense lying half on top of him and talked a little faster.

Continue reading “I win: it’s that simple”

One purpose of my life as told by a monk

I should not despair that one facet of my life is to teach someone how to love themselves. What I give of myself and energies, I receive back times three. My heart is quickly mending now that I released so much pent up anger, pain and sadness and refused the negativity any re-entry. I thought I needed Beck and I don’t because what I really feared was losing the parts of him I’ve grown to love: the people and places we’ve been to, memories inside my car (that will soon go the same way as my MidnightMyst) and around Flushing/the city and the cultural blend that was hard fought and hard won. It is enough for me, knowing they chose me over him: something I didn’t expect and didn’t dare hope for because you can never ask family to give up on blood lines. Just knowing they did it once (and everytime I get to see smiles on faces I cherish) was liberating but knowing they make the same choice whenever I hear their voices or fall into their embrace: I’ve never known such unconditional love since my grandmother passed away.

I was afraid I had lost some of the best pieces of myself when Beck told me he was in love with another woman within weeks of professing the same to me. His choice of words when he asked if I would feel betrayed if he went out with this ____ on a day we had habitually saw one another only registered when he called himself out as an asshole ex-boyfriend. He knew what he was doing was wrong but he went ahead anyway and as a monk reminded me, Beck did me a great favor. I am the greatest eagle to grace this planet who cannot be tamed because a tamed American Bald Eagle is a dead one: some creatures were never meant to be penned in by lesser beings. I am the fragile but magnificent monarch butterfly whose 3,000 arduous  migration is one of the Earth’s great wonders and I am the phoenix who lives brilliantly, dies and is reborn without resentment or fear of what it must endure to become light itself.

Ask me what it’s been like to be me again and I will have no words. It’s in my bright smile, laughing eyes and warm embrace. What makes me up is in the trail of turned heads, rhythmic strut of hips and strong thighs, the opened doors and golden opportunities awaiting my arrival. I am a person’s desire to please me, to unabashedly look upon my face and figure for a moment longer and to go above and beyond to service me in any and all ways 😉 The posture of a gymnast, the grace of a ballerina and the strength of a typhoon. The quick wit of a scholar-athlete espousing the wisdom of her elders and peers enmeshed with the wonder and silliness of a naive child. Someone who knows heartache but is willing to keep her own heart open to it time and again for the journey of deep, soulful love/commitment alone.

On Monday, it occured to me that my first love was Jeff, Taiwanese guy, who was his own shit show at age 16. I was in love for the first time and felt like I had to stay when he revealed his suicidal tenancies (it’s the heroine complex much like Beck’s hero’s complex) and we stayed in touch until college. By then, I had already dated two other guys and guy number two would stick around for 7.5 years (to the extent of putting me in the hospital after messing up my face and throat with ugly bruising and lacerations). In parallel with my ex, Chris, I would meet Jed and it’s here where I began falling deeply in love with someone. Jed was a philanderer who shared my high intellect/drive but he had the heart of an artist/musician, too. The stories he would write about us, the poetry he’d share or dedicate to me would make me swoon so hard, I didn’t notice my feet had left the ground. Jed would be the first lover to touch my body in ways I still crave – it’s a sensuality I haven’t come across as often or as intensely as I’d like. Our bodies would literally move as one and it took me 5 years to get over him (though not ever completely). I see a hazy pattern running through my relationships founded on love: Jeff (first love), Chris (rebound/stable love), Jed (soulful love), Beck (jury is still out) and Mr. X (true love) but being that I can’t paint a detailed picture, who’s to say I know what I’m talking about?

What do a pilot, chef, two musicians, two writers, a pharmacist, doctor, nurse, dentist, four financial advisors/investors, two teachers, one law enforcement official, two advertisers, three artists (graphic and traditional), one lawyer, one programmer, one engineer and three sole proprietors have in common (aside from wanting me to choose only one of them)? A willingness to fall in love and take on this world with me as their mate for as long as we both shall live 😉 I promise, I have good stories coming up on the dates I’ve endured for your amusement, cheri!

Pep Talks: Roar, Tigriess!

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return! ~Moulin Rouge

***************

Below are frozen frames of moments that I need to carry with me and that I need to share. I think it’s a good time to change things up ^_^ No more burden on my heart and soul, no more overthinking things.

At temple –

Me: I’ve lost my way and I don’t know how to be anymore.

Monk: We must keep the mind pure and release all emotion – no more sadness in your eyes, no more hurt in your heart; deeper and slower breaths from your lungs; repair the vessel that holds a gentle but powerful soul. Be one with the Universe, freely and wholly, as you were before and can be again. Be as your grandmother would have been when she was alive and now, is in Nirvana.

Me: I can’t – I’m afraid of losing myself.

Monk: Let that go, too. Regret is a greedy beast that will sap of you clarity, strength and purity. Focus, focus on the bubble and place within it, everything. Life is suffering. But suffering does not have to make up your life.

Me: I’m scared if I let go I won’t find my way back. I’m scared I won’t want what I discover even if I do.

Monk: Inhale and exhale. Enjoy the feeling of the air being taken into your lungs and the released pressure when you let it go. Raise your head, straighten your back and kowtow your most abbreviated bows to Buddha, your honorable parents and the Dali Llama. Your journey does not end here.

Me: The journey is lonely-

Monk: No! You are not alone. You are never alone. She is with you, she has always been with you. You are her favored, you are her copy and you are the greatest gift to those around you. Do not give up now. Do not fear tomorrow.

Me (crying): I’m so tired. Even a rock can be worn down…

Monk: Do you accept that there are consequences for every action, thought and we are judged for what we have done, not done? We will be measured against everything we chose to do and say, think and feel. Do you accept that you may just have to leave things as they lie and pursue no more? NO matter how little, how small peace is, it is still peace. Understand?

Me: Yes, I accept. Come what may, I will play my part and do what is willed.

Monk: Be like the greatest sculptor on Earth, be your element – be like water.

(there’s more to this coming)
**********

William: Do you ever regret?
Me: I try to regret very little.
William: I can feel your pain over your relationship and ex. You’re very interesting and you have a big effect on everything around you.
Me: True…
William: Come away with me to Bali, Fiji, wherever as long as there’s a beach and you’ll be happy.
Me: I need time. I met you 3 days ago and I understand you see me as a summation of everything you’ve been searching for: we share the same culture, the same dialect, I’m as Americanized as you, we’re extremely Type-A people and I know you find me breath-taking. But I would be doing you a great disservice to let you place all your chips on me and it would be wrong to do to your ex-gf/fiancee.
***********

K: Do you think Beck felt emasculated by your strength and independence?

Me: It would be odd for that to be the case since my independence and sassy/bubbly attitude was his draw to me.

K: Do you think that could have been the case since he hasn’t provided the way he did in the beginning?

Me: Maybe but again, I never thought less of him as a man or individual – it was just a slump that he’d get out of and he’d taken care of me before! I didn’t pester him to get a job – I was just always concerned about his well-being!

K: Okay, but again – you recognize that work brings stress and that stress is released in a myriad of ways. You could have been short with him or distant and not been as aware/sensitive to his needs?

Me: …yes. I remember each time and I learned to temper my shortness- I just want to be able to say, “Show me you’re better than me. I need someone to look up to, to be my inspiration. I want someone to be waiting when I reach the pinnacle of human refinement.”

K: Maybe he thought he was no longer worthy of you and jumping the gun into a new relationship was his way of letting you find someone better. You know, every one older than you here knows, the relationship is a ticking time bomb.

Me: Stop, I don’t wish heartache on him because I’m going through it. My anger speaks volumes and loudly but once it dissipates, I truly have no idea what I was enraged about.

K: It’s not willing harm/bad to come to Beck but a reality check – you cannot enter a new relationship without settling the issues of the last one. The other chick’s moral compass is off, sweetheart. Every spurned woman will tell you that.

Me: I’m not spurned. I’ve had my dates and done my share of widening the distance…

K: Listen, when it dissolves, will you be there for Beck when he’s taken you for granted and further harmed/hurt you by acting out like that?!

Me: The better person in me says yes
(audible groan from every man and woman in the room)

K (eyeroll): Oh good, God! She’s still naive and hopeful

*********

The priority with love should be to find one’s self, be secure in that self then, find their soulmate while making sure the people and world around them is better because you choose to make it that way. I’ve put myself in danger numerous times (pulling over to help a man with his stalled vehicle on the parkway and giving the stranger a ride to where he needed to be, helping a lost elderly woman who was confused and couldn’t find her way home after missing a turn on her walk from the Home Goods store [she also said she didn’t have money for a cab, didn’t have a cellphone and couldn’t remember her son’s address: it felt like a bad set up since there were stories going around about people being robbed/hurt while being a good Samaritan. Still, I made the decision to drive her home based on her memory of certain landmarks because I think most people deserve the benefit of the doubt. I’m still alive and so is she.], called in dangerous and meandering drivers to the correct police agency because I’ve witnessed what happens when people pass the buck on taking responsibility when I was an EMT: you scrape people off asphalt, glass and metal and I’ve stayed when I should have left for my own well being. Desiring to be selfless and helpful is a call people should be answering more quickly and frequently.

************

CH: You’re still so beautiful and full of that vitality everyone at UCLA would watch.

Me: Stop it!

CH: I don’t think you see yourself the way any person or any crowd does. People make way for you and they turn to watch you long after you’re gone. You prowl and strut, you don’t walk and you don’t wait.

Me: Trying to sing the song in my heart back to me?

CH: Nobody knows better than I do that you don’t need to be reminded. The sweetest song in your heart is something only you and one or two people will ever know and learn. So what? You’re a little battered and a bit tired but we all sense the tigress in you. We know better than to incur your wrath!

Me (laughing): Am I still that terrifying?

CH: Oh, hell yeah! D, you know the perfect person for you is searching high and low. He or she is following the trail of broken hearts, sexual energy and enlightened form your activities take on. Beck is but another drop of water in the ocean but you, you are the day’s eye ;o)

Me: I’m finding my way back to my patch of sunshine and I know I’m on the right track by staying single because I can feel the warmth of who I used to be and who I’ve become.

CH: Damn, straight! Throw that head back and ROOOOAR!

117This was us

I’m sorry I hurt you to the point of  being unable to stay in touch. You’d been pushing me away all year and more forcefully and cruelly than ever starting in August but not owning it until I made you. Would you really try to deny that by trying to push me into the arms of another man, sexually, you weren’t setting me up/creating an excuse to leave our relationship? Because that’s what it felt like and I intuitively rejected it. God, if I had felt it any other way I would have given in but I felt the distance between us. You’re right, I built walls and when we reconciled last year, I wasn’t sure if they should come down because I was trying to work out and separate feelings of abandonment, distrust and weariness. I was just starting to find me again after all the time spent bending to your will, conceding to you and unsure if you, who you were becoming/have become, were the person I fell in love with. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I was trying to catch up to you on a clean way of living because I didn’t want to fail you or dash any hopes. You know I’m not good when I’m pushed to agree on something – it had to come in at my pace. You have a way of talking to your loved ones in an overbearing tone sometimes and your expectation that they become what you want, do what you want, see and think as you do and follow your lead blindly wasn’t the right way to do things; your approach to certain topics could come off as zealous and I know I wasn’t the only one to notice or the first to experience the pressure. You could be a hypocrite sometimes but so could I; you made me doubt and double check myself and then became angry when I couldn’t form the sentences to express myself with all you interrupt. You think you argue in a rational manner but you don’t always do that. You cut in, concentrate on little expressions or sentence arrangement and disrupt the thoughts of me or any of the people you love and in little ways, redirect the argument and then, blame it on someone else. I know you say *I* did that and I did sometimes. However, my bafflement wasn’t/isn’t one sided. I’m more sure of that than anything else you could say to make me doubt myself.

I didn’t want to fight with you on Wednesday night but you can’t help yourself in dragging people down with you. You like fighting even if you profess the drain you feel, I can tell you get off on it. You’ve said so as much, when we were in more lucid times, how you feel powerful you feel and how much you enjoy “sticking it” to someone(s). I’m not saying these things to hurt you but to make you see your own behavior. My talks with your siblings leads me to believe you’ve been a grudge holder and vindictive most of your life and it makes me sad for you. I wanted peace between us and I think you behave like a jerk to drive me away b/c you think things will get better that way. It couldn’t be anymore worse of a choice and action to play out to think you can outrun the parts of your soul I share. You didn’t really want to reconcile last year – I was still locked out and slapped down when you wouldn’t admit something else was bothering you or you were upset with someone; I had to dig and  dig while taking the backlash until you would come up with your discontent/grievance that I sensed. I’m guilty of the same thing and why I never held it against you if you could keep an argument from spiraling into name calling and baseless accusations… if you could keep from breaking up with me everytime when you know it was the most painful of words you could cut me with. Fuck, I still love you and I still forgive you! I’m wrestling with my friends and my conscience and my pride and morals: everything saying to let go for my health, my benefit but they don’t account for the pieces of my heart and soul I would have to lose, too! I wish I knew how to quit you and I know the Universe is still spinning around the stars you and I are in our own galaxy. Eventually, I will consume the spiritual energy I released and gave to you – it’ll come back times three. Where another, a better you (but not you, if you know what I mean) will join me and that place of friendship will be swallowed into the abyss.

I wish I knew how to stop loving you in all ways, then I wouldn’t miss you, I wouldn’t dream of you. I wouldn’t miss you as horribly as I do. I stayed without you asking, I stayed when you asked and I’m staying here again with an offer of future support. You’re right, we can’t be just friends – our souls were fused together and denying our love and attraction to one another wouldn’t have lasted long.What I discovered in the last month about long-term relationships and being in love and loving someone waxes and wanes in it because it takes energy to love (that might explain your hunger around me), contained or not. It’s a natural cycle and feeling the intensity diminish a little can be taken as a breaking relationship or “falling out of love.” I thought I knew what I was talking about when I told you, many times before, that the hardest thing to learn is the difference between loving someone and being in love; I thought I knew all there was to know based on my relationship experience but I’ve been corrected by more wise people. The marriages that last the longest acknowledge this cycle and the love never leaves, the connection never dies. I really wanted having you in my life to work out b/c I need you to be happy and if a different relationship is what will make you so, then I want you to know it’s okay that you’re with someone else. I won’t keep you back, I won’t ask for you back and I won’t be in the picture.

A big part of me wants to be available to you in anyway you might need me in the future but I know, in the game of love and soulmates, that it’s winner takes it all. All of you and me or none at all. I know if I leave a door open for you, I could regret it but once I decide to drop someone, discover they’re not worth my time or developing quickly enough to be a beneficial friend, the doors and windows slam shut permanently. I’m not as angry anymore (that’s one area, at least, where I am not a turtle in digesting, analyzing and coming to a solution/conclusion) and- the latent anger after last year’s break up needed an outlet that you wouldn’t provide (at least, that’s the way I saw and felt it) popped like a balloon. The remaining angst is the reason I hurt you and unintentionally because I wouldn’t answer to the pain in my heart. The pain overwhelmed my ability to think and form cohesive thoughts, solutions and to see things from a clear perspective. If we had hashed it out, which I know you didn’t want to do because you’d deflect/change the topic yourself, we wouldn’t be here right now. If you hadn’t hardlined me into silence and knocking me down everytime I tried to step up and apologize, I wouldn’t have been so scared of losing you after every little spat and over the big, overblown fights. It’s not your fault because I should have done it anyway (kept at you for a discussion… that may have backfired depending on your frame of mind) and we still might have ended up here, but at least we would have known/learned something.

I keep having this dream that we’re together with kids but maybe it’s not you and more my soulmate; my head simply uses you as a placeholder. In the dreams, we have these conversations akin to what we had in the beginning continuing until, and this is only my estimate, 2014 is pinpointed as the year a lot changed for you. Kris was serving his time, Stephane moved away and you moved to a new home with its own complications. We spent too much time in NJ houses brimming with stress, depression, anger/resentment and dysfunction. Our happy bubble shrunk until it popped because our happy place was always with each other, alone and doing our thing; NOT being influenced or bombarded with familial strain/tension, the disrespect of boundaries/responsibilities and general communication failure (that wasn’t our problem, individually or as a couple). It was a nearly impossible task to lift Beck out of his depression sometimes and if I was stressed/having an off day,  our state of minds collided and created issues. If I kept things tightly wrapped up in me, it was because Beck couldn’t handle me and there were times it seemed that there was no room for my issues. I would have gone to him if I felt he would be receptive but I got shot down way too often; even now, I want to reach him but I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, be around me and I’ve finally learned to give him so much space that he drifted away completely. I think he was full of shit when he said he was still in love with me 4 weeks ago but it doesn’t matter in the bigger picture: he’s still gone. I’m equivocally dead to him. He never got or took the chance to know me which is why I wish I could reset the clock. I wanted to be known, deeply and wholly – Beck and I are nearly identical at this juncture. My soul says we’re locked together but I’m hoping the Universe will let that unravel. There was a lot of stress being relieved in my dreams from our chats, positive feelings that were palatable and the Universe emphasized again and again that we had to meet. Unlike Beck, I’ve met many people who share qualities and experiences that I thought only I had and connected with them. I can’t explain the odd coincidences of chance meetings, unbelievable experiences and the fact Destiny has wrapped me up and guided everything that I wanted my way. He has needed more friends, more confidantes since he began cutting/shunning people from his life – it was really rough on me that he relied so heavily and solely on me for support, fun, compassion, etc. I bore it out of unconditional love for Beck but it did take its toll. I kept pushing him to socialize and to grow: I don’t regret it even when it’s meant we can’t be together right now (or ever?). He’s the man I know he can be if he just let go of his anger and spite.

I hope you read this someday and can feel the sincerity of my well wishes, that you’ll hear an echo of our love if we’re years and decades apart. Seven years gone and the years of friendship that I regret losing. Most of these journal entries prior to this will be/are moot points but I’d prefer having conversations one on one instead of being misread if there’s a desire for clarity. I’m feeling like my bright, bouncy self again and I know only good things are in store for me as I hope they are for you. We’re getting to the end of these entries where I’m reaching the turnaround time to walk away forever and I told you they will disappear into oblivion/be erased. I’m fine and I’m reminded of it everyday by loving individuals who are letting me unload the emotional/mental burden and financial stress Beck put me through (not frequently but it seemed like he targeted specific times when he knew I was vulnerable).

Just last night, I hit up a strip club with a friend and his brother AFTER meeting at a different bar. They tricked me into going when I insisted we weren’t b/c my buddy needs to save his cash. They have matching smirks and offered playful apologies when they saw the look on my face when we entered: I was pissed. I couldn’t just leave them there either cause I was the DD and I knew hundreds of dollars would be blown if I left or I didn’t keep his wallet. I enjoyed taking away half the amount retrieved from the ATM and shaking my head as more than the half I let him hold onto disappeared in 8 minutes, not even kidding! I know he was trying to butter up the bartender (who was very pretty and you couldn’t tell that just 6 months prior, she was pregnant) because he never called her back. When guys bring a girl to a strip club, it’s to discourage the strippers they don’t care for because BOTH of them referred to my as their girlfriend like we were in some twisted TV reality show. I played along initially until I nearly killed his brother when he took himself a little too seriously in his drunken state and forced himself on me at the club. The little fucker was throwing money at the girls instead of being more polite and was trying to make it a game where he treated their breasts and thongs like basketball hoops. One stripper had enough of the kid (who pounded 5 shots of Jameson in one hour) and started telling him off but he thought he was being cute by being MORE disrespectful. That’s when we left just as the bouncers were coming our way. But the best part of the night was the way the women flocked to me without me doing any work. I have never had a difficult time attracting men and women to me (it’s that sexuality that roils off and around me and for which I have no control) and my best friend knows it: which is why he also enjoys watching it happen and being there next to me getting in on any action, LOL! I know I sound full of myself but if you ever want to tag along and experience it for yourself, hit me up with an email or however you get to my journal entries ^_^

Last night, it was the first time I’ve eaten well since Beck and I broke up. I’ve lost close to 15-17 lbs. and if someone asks what my secret is, I tell them it’s called “My break up diet” where I become extremely nauseous when food is in my face. I know it’s the tension and stress making me tighten up all my muscles so there’s no room left for food in my belly. I see “my breakup diet” as a positive but it’s not for everyone. It’s also a good test run of what I’ll feel in med school and show me how long my Crohn’s will remain in remission/not be an issue. After all, my last year at Buffalo was derailed by severe episodes of ulcerative colitis that ultimately became chronic while my semester credits, job as nanny/tutor and apartment upkeep/utility bills needed attention. So far, I’m hanging really well in and I look friggin awesome! My Lucky Brand jeans/clothing help exude my sexiness as does the lingerie under it all ;o)

 

 

Am I beholden to him?

Do I have to remain his keeper (of our memories, his parents, seven years of his life)? Did I really have to reimburse him for meeting up with me to return to one another personal property? He’s moved on and so have I; then why won’t this thread break? He’s not the guy I met back in 2009 and I say it to myself everyday so I can stop loving him. The man I met wouldn’t set out to hurt his family members (though some may have deserved it). Beck isn’t who I fell in love with and the bitterness over a lost year will fade just like Chris, just like Jed. The man I loved wasn’t selfish but I have to learn to be selfish, too. How else to stop loving a man who no longer exists and how long do I punish myself for loving and supporting him? Is he really so different now that I can’t say I know him well at all: that he’s become a stranger by keeping me at arm’s length? I’m deluding myself by refusing to accept that there won’t be an anniversary to celebrate in Nov., because Beck won’t be there, will he? I had planned for us to go on a 7 day Caribbean cruise, which he’s never been, with the money I’ve saved up (I broke through my $3,000 goal!). He apologized for the time wasted and how “I bet on the wrong horse (Beck).” The man I knew wasn’t deceptive and he promised to love me, to stay in love with me, as I made the same promise to him.

Continue reading “Am I beholden to him?”